Another Diagnosis

For the past 6-7 years, I’ve had a lot of pain…too much pain for someone who is merely 20.  After seeing many doctors and specialists, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (overactive nerves), scoliosis (an abnormally curved spine), and having legs of lengths differing by 1/2 an inch.  I’ve been through physical therapy, aquatic therapy, use a TENS unit, and have tried a few different medicines for the pain.

Through it all, the TENS unit is the main source of relief, though the pain returns shortly after the unit is turned off and removed from my back.  Back in 2013, I had an MRI of my spine to show if I had a pinched nerve, a slipped disc, or any other abnormalities.  The radiologist, at the time, said the scan was totally normal.  Pain has come, gone, and returned with a vengeance.

Because the pain has rendered me immobile at times again, I sought out the help of the pain management clinic I where I was an established patient.  The appointment there was last Wednesday.  After 14 pages of paperwork and many questions, the nurse practitioner spoke with the doctor.  They looked over the 2013 MRI and found a possible answer as to why I have been having such horrid lower back and hip pain:  facet anthropathy.  Between the vertebrae of my lower spine, arthritis has begun to form around the spinal nerves, hence causing pain.  Friday, I returned to the office for a diagnostic test:  bilateral lumber facet injections.  This consisted of 3 shots of numbing medicine on either side of my spine and followed with 3 more shots on either side going into the area near the nerves injecting a numbing agent.  During the 12 shots, X-rays were taken to be sure the needles were located where they should.

The shots wore off after around a day, as they should, and offered quite a bit of relief while in effect!  For over a day, I was without pain!  It was such a glorious feeling, being without pain.  Because the procedure helped relieve my pain by over 50%, I will be contacting the office in the morning with the results so we can move on to the next step, which, if I remember correctly, should consist of 3-5 more sessions of injections with a longer-lasting numbing agent to be sure it fully helps.  If it does, they will do another procedure involving deadening the nerves.  I have full faith in my doctors and hope relief is approaching!  Until then, I shall continue to push through and do the best I can.

For now,

Maude.

Distractions: Thoughts Battling for My Attention

I’ve been trying to complete my coursework, but several thoughts keep flooding my mind.  Earlier, I took my ADHD medicine, but something else is going on.

Stress.

I’ve been stressed a lot lately from a variety of sources. In May or June, my parents and siblings are moving, and Eliza and I are moving in together in July (hopefully).  She and I found an apartment where we would to move, but I’m not sure if it is an option that is financially possible.  Recently, I’ve started to sell Mary Kay and Pampered Chef, but I don’t have a steady income.  I’m hoping I will soon hear back from 3 possible jobs.  Eliza and I really need a place where only she and I live.  We are both tired of roommate conflicts, and I need to break away from my family.  I love them to pieces, but I have to live apart from my family in order to be independent.  Living at home with your parents may certainly be an option to some, but my parents rely on me, much more than they should, to care for my sister (Emma, 12) and brother (Bud, 10).  Neither of the children have chores, and they come to me (if Dad hasn’t done is) to the care of household tasks the the kids could very easily do.  Once, Eliza was over, I was trying to work on homework, and my mom came in fussing over how the kitchen was a mess and, if she was to cook dinner, I needed to get in there and clear off space for her.  While they were out earlier, I switched over dishes, but that wasn’t enough for her.  Even though I was trying to do homework, Emma and Bud couldn’t bother to get off of their electronics to help out.  I’ve babysat them since I was 13 and have done much more mothering to them that our mom has!  Though I hate saying it, it feels so true!  I understand she has health problems, but I do, too!  Friday, I had to get 12 shots in my spine because of a new diagnosis (I’ll go into that in another post soon).  They didn’t hurt terribly, but it made me realize I can’t do as much as I was able to do in the past.  Mom and Dad need to take responsibility for those kids before it’s too late.  I can’t parent them nor will I try to continue to do so.  I am not their parent…I’m their sister for crying out loud!

For almost a year now, I have been prescribed Prozac for my depression and Vistaril for anxiety.  Wha has been going on in my head lately?  The depression has been worsening, and negative thoughts keep taunting my brain.  I don’t want those thoughts to be there!  I’m not sure if you’ll understand what I mean, but those thoughts aren’t my own.  It’s not like they’re voices or another personality because I don’t believe they are.  It feels more like fear or something else is placing those thoughts there. I currently have so many diagnoses…I don’t want anymore!  Though I try to hard to push through and be happy, it’s not easy at all.  I’m in a hole again, and I don’t know how to get out.  If nothing else, I don’t feel like I need to be in the hospital again.  Eliza says if something happens and I’m in the hospital again, she would visit me every day.  I’m not screwed up enough to need a third trip to the psych ward…am I?  Depression and anxiety were on a rise whenever my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD.  The ADHD medicine has been helping, but the anxiety and worsening depression are still here.  With Prozac, I’m at the maximum dose.  From here, we would either add something to the Prozac or change antidepressants all together.  I don’t want to go through the process of changing medicines again.  Prozac has helped more than the others ever did!  Because I’ve tried so many medicines before, I’m so scared I’m reaching the end of treatment possibilities.  What caused the depression to worsen this much?  Why is there so much wrong with me?  I truly want to be happy!  Aside from mental health, I am happy!

Being with Eliza is so incredibly amazing, and I want to marry her and have a family with her!  I feel so lucky to have her in my life, but sometimes, I’m scared.  I don’t know how to explain this to her.  I now understand why people get cold feet on their wedding day.  I truly love Eliza and want to be with her, but the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone can be so daunting!  It’s like when you meet your favorite celebrity and become speechless- the thought of having someone who loves me as much as she does and being with someone who actually wants to be with me for the rest of my life…it’s so intimidating!  There isn’t anyone else with whom I rather spend the rest of my life!  These feelings may be because I don’t feel as though I deserve her love, I don’t understand why or how she loves me, and because I still have problems with myself.

Problems with myself.

Though I have come to terms with a lot in my life, there are some thoughts of myself and facts I can’t get past or fully accept.  I’m not normal.  I certainly don’t want to be normal, by any means, but there is so much I can’t do that others can.  I can’t eat gluten, wheat, rye, malt, or barley, so I have to read the labels of absolutely everything I eat and drink.  The thought of that limitation alone brings me to tears at times.  It’s so frustrating!  Sometimes, it feels as though some who don’t have Celiac Sprue don’t understand or believe how incredibly difficult it is to live this way.  Because of that allergy and many other medical conditions, I won’t be able to travel anywhere and do anything I please because of limitations with my diet and activities.  Parts of my life are absolutely incredible, but I wouldn’t wish any of my conditions for anyone.  I’m not sure why, but I feel as though I must put on a strong exterior and push through all the obstacles and make it through each day so others don’t know how truly difficult everything is!  For example, I’ve learned to silence my pain because others would become sick of my complaints.  There isn’t much I can do currently to change my physical and mental problems, so I don’t want anyone to have to deal with them directly or indirectly.  It’s pretty bad how, sometimes, I have to lie to myself to get through the day.  In no way am I trying to compare my problems to those of others or say my problems are greater than, less than, or equal to those of others.  I know all have battles of their own.  Because of this, none should be compared to others because of individuality and because of such a large number of differences between all.

College.

I don’t understand why coursework is so difficult to complete.  Whenever anyone mentions my classes or classwork, I begin to stress and panic.  I greatly enjoy learning and the schooling process, but it’s so difficult to sit and concentrate on typing my notes and completing the assignments, even with the ADHD medicine.  Even now, I feel my anxiety level increasing.  I’m typing this post as a means by which to free the current thoughts and distractions so I may be able to complete my anthropology homework.  I’m a very calm person, but the anxiety lately has been an outrage in my mind.  The panic raises to a level in which I feel as though I can’t contain myself and need to escape from everything.  Thankfully, thoughts and desires of self-harm have not returned.  That isn’t a coping option in my mind.  I think I need to find more positive coping skills to utilize and make them readily available.  I’m so glad writing has proven itself to be helpful.  Typing out this post, for example, has released a lot of tension.  I think I will go back to the gym tomorrow.  Working out tends to help a lot as well.  If you have read all of this mind vomit, I thank you.

For now,

Maude.