Hello, again.

I know I haven't been on in a long while. A lot has been going on in my life lately. I may go into that later as there is much occupying my mind at the moment.

I don't know what has been going on with me lately. Even when I'm keeping up with my Prozac and taking it regularly, I'm very irritable, bitchy, and scatterbrained. My apartment is an absolute wreck, and my mind is too.

I think my hallucinations have come back once more, visual and possibly auditory. Anxiety is on the rise again as well. Part of that may be due to school, work, and sickness. Example: I have missed my past 2 sculpture classes due to stomach bugs that wouldn't allow me to leave the apartment and our first project is due next class. Said project still needs to be assembles, charred, painted, and glazed. So much for having good expectations for this semester! I tend to mess things up most of the time somehow or another.

So much has been causing stress lately. A few hours ago, I wanted toward more on my novel, but I couldn't find my paper copy, even after searching most of the apartment. It bothers me greatly not being able to find it, mostly because of the level of disorganization here at home. I don't know where many of my belongings are! The stress leads to anxiety to panic attacks to wanting to curl into a ball, cry, and disappear. Fun life, right?

I don't want to die, but I don't want to be here right now either...

For now,
Maude.

Another Diagnosis

For the past 6-7 years, I’ve had a lot of pain…too much pain for someone who is merely 20.  After seeing many doctors and specialists, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (overactive nerves), scoliosis (an abnormally curved spine), and having legs of lengths differing by 1/2 an inch.  I’ve been through physical therapy, aquatic therapy, use a TENS unit, and have tried a few different medicines for the pain.

Through it all, the TENS unit is the main source of relief, though the pain returns shortly after the unit is turned off and removed from my back.  Back in 2013, I had an MRI of my spine to show if I had a pinched nerve, a slipped disc, or any other abnormalities.  The radiologist, at the time, said the scan was totally normal.  Pain has come, gone, and returned with a vengeance.

Because the pain has rendered me immobile at times again, I sought out the help of the pain management clinic I where I was an established patient.  The appointment there was last Wednesday.  After 14 pages of paperwork and many questions, the nurse practitioner spoke with the doctor.  They looked over the 2013 MRI and found a possible answer as to why I have been having such horrid lower back and hip pain:  facet anthropathy.  Between the vertebrae of my lower spine, arthritis has begun to form around the spinal nerves, hence causing pain.  Friday, I returned to the office for a diagnostic test:  bilateral lumber facet injections.  This consisted of 3 shots of numbing medicine on either side of my spine and followed with 3 more shots on either side going into the area near the nerves injecting a numbing agent.  During the 12 shots, X-rays were taken to be sure the needles were located where they should.

The shots wore off after around a day, as they should, and offered quite a bit of relief while in effect!  For over a day, I was without pain!  It was such a glorious feeling, being without pain.  Because the procedure helped relieve my pain by over 50%, I will be contacting the office in the morning with the results so we can move on to the next step, which, if I remember correctly, should consist of 3-5 more sessions of injections with a longer-lasting numbing agent to be sure it fully helps.  If it does, they will do another procedure involving deadening the nerves.  I have full faith in my doctors and hope relief is approaching!  Until then, I shall continue to push through and do the best I can.

For now,

Maude.

Distractions: Thoughts Battling for My Attention

I’ve been trying to complete my coursework, but several thoughts keep flooding my mind.  Earlier, I took my ADHD medicine, but something else is going on.

Stress.

I’ve been stressed a lot lately from a variety of sources. In May or June, my parents and siblings are moving, and Eliza and I are moving in together in July (hopefully).  She and I found an apartment where we would to move, but I’m not sure if it is an option that is financially possible.  Recently, I’ve started to sell Mary Kay and Pampered Chef, but I don’t have a steady income.  I’m hoping I will soon hear back from 3 possible jobs.  Eliza and I really need a place where only she and I live.  We are both tired of roommate conflicts, and I need to break away from my family.  I love them to pieces, but I have to live apart from my family in order to be independent.  Living at home with your parents may certainly be an option to some, but my parents rely on me, much more than they should, to care for my sister (Emma, 12) and brother (Bud, 10).  Neither of the children have chores, and they come to me (if Dad hasn’t done is) to the care of household tasks the the kids could very easily do.  Once, Eliza was over, I was trying to work on homework, and my mom came in fussing over how the kitchen was a mess and, if she was to cook dinner, I needed to get in there and clear off space for her.  While they were out earlier, I switched over dishes, but that wasn’t enough for her.  Even though I was trying to do homework, Emma and Bud couldn’t bother to get off of their electronics to help out.  I’ve babysat them since I was 13 and have done much more mothering to them that our mom has!  Though I hate saying it, it feels so true!  I understand she has health problems, but I do, too!  Friday, I had to get 12 shots in my spine because of a new diagnosis (I’ll go into that in another post soon).  They didn’t hurt terribly, but it made me realize I can’t do as much as I was able to do in the past.  Mom and Dad need to take responsibility for those kids before it’s too late.  I can’t parent them nor will I try to continue to do so.  I am not their parent…I’m their sister for crying out loud!

For almost a year now, I have been prescribed Prozac for my depression and Vistaril for anxiety.  Wha has been going on in my head lately?  The depression has been worsening, and negative thoughts keep taunting my brain.  I don’t want those thoughts to be there!  I’m not sure if you’ll understand what I mean, but those thoughts aren’t my own.  It’s not like they’re voices or another personality because I don’t believe they are.  It feels more like fear or something else is placing those thoughts there. I currently have so many diagnoses…I don’t want anymore!  Though I try to hard to push through and be happy, it’s not easy at all.  I’m in a hole again, and I don’t know how to get out.  If nothing else, I don’t feel like I need to be in the hospital again.  Eliza says if something happens and I’m in the hospital again, she would visit me every day.  I’m not screwed up enough to need a third trip to the psych ward…am I?  Depression and anxiety were on a rise whenever my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD.  The ADHD medicine has been helping, but the anxiety and worsening depression are still here.  With Prozac, I’m at the maximum dose.  From here, we would either add something to the Prozac or change antidepressants all together.  I don’t want to go through the process of changing medicines again.  Prozac has helped more than the others ever did!  Because I’ve tried so many medicines before, I’m so scared I’m reaching the end of treatment possibilities.  What caused the depression to worsen this much?  Why is there so much wrong with me?  I truly want to be happy!  Aside from mental health, I am happy!

Being with Eliza is so incredibly amazing, and I want to marry her and have a family with her!  I feel so lucky to have her in my life, but sometimes, I’m scared.  I don’t know how to explain this to her.  I now understand why people get cold feet on their wedding day.  I truly love Eliza and want to be with her, but the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone can be so daunting!  It’s like when you meet your favorite celebrity and become speechless- the thought of having someone who loves me as much as she does and being with someone who actually wants to be with me for the rest of my life…it’s so intimidating!  There isn’t anyone else with whom I rather spend the rest of my life!  These feelings may be because I don’t feel as though I deserve her love, I don’t understand why or how she loves me, and because I still have problems with myself.

Problems with myself.

Though I have come to terms with a lot in my life, there are some thoughts of myself and facts I can’t get past or fully accept.  I’m not normal.  I certainly don’t want to be normal, by any means, but there is so much I can’t do that others can.  I can’t eat gluten, wheat, rye, malt, or barley, so I have to read the labels of absolutely everything I eat and drink.  The thought of that limitation alone brings me to tears at times.  It’s so frustrating!  Sometimes, it feels as though some who don’t have Celiac Sprue don’t understand or believe how incredibly difficult it is to live this way.  Because of that allergy and many other medical conditions, I won’t be able to travel anywhere and do anything I please because of limitations with my diet and activities.  Parts of my life are absolutely incredible, but I wouldn’t wish any of my conditions for anyone.  I’m not sure why, but I feel as though I must put on a strong exterior and push through all the obstacles and make it through each day so others don’t know how truly difficult everything is!  For example, I’ve learned to silence my pain because others would become sick of my complaints.  There isn’t much I can do currently to change my physical and mental problems, so I don’t want anyone to have to deal with them directly or indirectly.  It’s pretty bad how, sometimes, I have to lie to myself to get through the day.  In no way am I trying to compare my problems to those of others or say my problems are greater than, less than, or equal to those of others.  I know all have battles of their own.  Because of this, none should be compared to others because of individuality and because of such a large number of differences between all.

College.

I don’t understand why coursework is so difficult to complete.  Whenever anyone mentions my classes or classwork, I begin to stress and panic.  I greatly enjoy learning and the schooling process, but it’s so difficult to sit and concentrate on typing my notes and completing the assignments, even with the ADHD medicine.  Even now, I feel my anxiety level increasing.  I’m typing this post as a means by which to free the current thoughts and distractions so I may be able to complete my anthropology homework.  I’m a very calm person, but the anxiety lately has been an outrage in my mind.  The panic raises to a level in which I feel as though I can’t contain myself and need to escape from everything.  Thankfully, thoughts and desires of self-harm have not returned.  That isn’t a coping option in my mind.  I think I need to find more positive coping skills to utilize and make them readily available.  I’m so glad writing has proven itself to be helpful.  Typing out this post, for example, has released a lot of tension.  I think I will go back to the gym tomorrow.  Working out tends to help a lot as well.  If you have read all of this mind vomit, I thank you.

For now,

Maude.

My Mind Palace

Like in Sherlock, I have a mind palace where I go to seek comfort and escape from the outer world. I’m there right now. The outside world is something I can’t manage at the moment. I should be working on my anthropology homework, but schoolwork stresses me to a point where I can’t function. I’m not sure why that is. Right now, I’m sitting at the desk in Eliza’s apartment wearing sweatpants, socks, a frumpy space cat shirt, my comfy hat, and my glasses. I want to escape from the world into a place of my own. If I could, I would close my eyes and drift into myself to a place where I can run through the meadows of my mind, dance to the wind and birds, and spin in the sunlight until I fall dizzily into the daisies. There, I would wear a long flowing skirt, a tank top, and a flower crown. It would be my perfect place where I would be free. Free from society, free from stress, and free from myself I would be. I would be happy and healthy. Currently, my health is better than it has been in the past and I am happy, but my mental health isn’t doing too well. At times, my depression and anxiety have been getting worse and headaches are more frequent, but I don’t know how to explain all of this to my psychiatrist and therapist when I see them. Around my family and friends, I try my hardest to appear to be happy and doing well, but, on the inside, I’m struggling. I let Eliza inside and share with her what is going on, but I don’t always know how to tell her what all is going on. This is partly due to the lack of being able to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I don’t know what is going on with me or why I’ve been getting worse. It truly scares me, and I don’t know what to do or how to make it through. I’m so terribly scared…

For now,

Maude.

Outlet

Dear readers,

Today, I realized I definitely need to reboot this blog.  Though I don't know if anyone looks on here, but that isn't the main point currently.  I need a place where I can vent and let it all out.  Before I begin releasing, I figure I should update everyone on the happenings of the past few months.

Once again, Millie is out of the picture.  We enjoyed a fantastic trip together when I was there in the beginning of August, but she wasn't in love with me anymore, so she broke-up with me on Labor Day, the same day we broke-up the year before.  Though it was very difficult and painful, I was able to move on and realize she and I weren't meant to be.

Today, I am so very grateful that Mille and I split apart again.  Shortly after the break-up, I met Eliza. It feels like fate that we were to meet.  After Millie, I decided I wanted to get out and dive into the dating realm, so I rejoined an online dating community.  After a bit, I ran across a childhood friend of mine who I hadn't seen since graduating high school over a year ago- Jessica.  After reconnecting, she invited me to hangout with her and 2 friends, one of whom, Eliza, I had seen on the dating site but didn't realize it until I saw her.  Before meeting, I didn't message her because I was at loss for words.  After hanging out that night, she and I went on a few dates and spent a lot of time together.  After we went to Pride, I asked me to be her girlfriend, and she said yes! Currently, we have been dating for 4 and a half months.  We even have plans to move-in together soon!  So exciting!

This semester, I am a full-time student online.  My current course load consists of anthropology, psychology, business, and world civilizations through 1500. What a load!  Between all the changes lately, schoolwork, and family things, I've been stressed through the roof.  Right now, I'm greatly enjoying life, my classes, and my relationship, but it's too much stress dealing with my family and everything!  I don't know what to do!  For an example, I've been staying with my grandmother for the past 3 weeks while my grandfather has been away on business.  A few hours ago, we were watching a show on weight, and she called me "obese"!  I immediately retorted that, according to the BMI chart on the government's website, I certainly am not in the category of obese, even if I have put on a some weight again lately.  I have nothing to hide.  I am just under 5'10" tall and currently weigh around 195 pounds.  That isn't obese!  I've been working out more lately and have gained a good amount of muscle, even if I do have a bit of chub in some areas.  By golly, I'm working on it!  At my max weight, I was around 230 pounds.  Ideally, my personal goal weight is between 150 and 160 pounds.  Since I've gone through the 80 pound range before, her comment brought back many thoughts about myself and feelings I had whenever my weight was higher.  I don't want to feel like that!

I think that is enough for now.  I have many assignments to due before their deadlines.

For now,
Maude.

First Post in Forever

Hello!

As you may see, this is my first post in a very long time.  So much has been happening lately!  Before I review the time since I wrote, I would like to speak on what just happened.

I was reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green and trying to finish it.  I'm nearing the end and reached a very sad part.  For those of you who have not yet read the book or seen the movie, I won't include any spoilers!  Even though it's late and I'm tired, I was determined to finish it tonight.  I reached this part, and my plans changed.  Such sadness brought forth many painful memories in vivid detail.

It's rather interesting how the detail and depth of memories varies.  Sometimes, I remember the general visit with my family.  Other times, which tend to be pretty rare, I remember the sound of my great-grandfather's voice, how he acted, specific conversations and happenings, and a variety of other details, such as the type of gum he carried around with him.

In TFIOS, the character of Van Houten wrote the following quote in one of his letters, "Writing does not resurrect. It buries."  Remembering that, something that is buried can also be dug up again.  In that sense, whenever something is written, it is buried, but it can be "dug up" at any time to be experienced by the reader, hence the bringing up of my memories.

That's one aspect of writing that I love:  I can document whatever I like and can return to experience the thoughts, emotions, and memories whenever I please, and others can do so as well.  In that sense, anything can become immortal.  On that note, and going back to the quote, writing something down won't bring it back into the physical realm, but it may exist infinitely in the realm of thought.

Quick thought:  It's interesting how I'm having these thoughts so late at night. (The time is currently 1:35 am.)  Yet another example of how I'm a night owl!

Anyways, I wanted to release those thoughts and observations of the present before delving into the happenings of the past, which I shall work on tomorrow(technically speaking, today).

Until next time,
Maude.

Absence/Update

Hello!

I know it's been a rather long while since I last posted.  So much has been going on!

Hmm...  Where to begin?!

Overview:  vacation in the mountains, trip to California, and another trip in North Carolina!

Let the masses of update posts begin!

Road Trip: Mountains!

Tomorrow morning, my family and I are embarking on a road trip to the mountains of North Carolina!  For the drive, I will be in the backseat with my two siblings.  I'm super excited to go on vacation, but two things worry me:  I get carsick in the backseat and family vacations/trips always stress me out.  Today, I've been packing and stressing like crazy!  It doesn't help that I've been sick and still seem to be dealing with something.  Sinus junk has been making me sick, and nerves are upsetting my stomach.  How fun!  Don't get me wrong because I am excited for the mountains, spending time with my family, staying at a nice resort, going mining for gold and gems, visiting an amusement park, and more, but the stress is really getting to me.  Any advice?