Topics of tomorrow's posts

• Tornados
• New book
• Cats
• Family
• Music
• Projects

To My Lovely Dearest Luna

Happy 1 Month babe!!

It's hard to believe it's been one month already, but I hope to spend many more with you!  You bring sunshine, smiles, laughter, and good vibes to my life.  I'm so excited to see you again Thursday!  I know it's tough to find time during which we both are free, but I'm glad we find time anyway and take advantage of each opportunity we can.  I know ECU wasn't your first choice, but I'm glad we'll be able to spend time together on campus and attend events together!  I don't know if you know this or not, but when I was dropping you off a few weekends ago, I heard you saw "Love ya!", and for the rest of the drive back home, I was blushing and filled with excitement and joy.  It may have slipped out, or you may have meant it.  Either way, I love ya, too!  In other news, I'm starting my BoS today!  I promise I'll write more again soon.

Much love,
Your Maude

Reply to Luna

Hello, everyone!

I was released from the hospital on Sunday after having been admitted for 6 days.  It feels so amazing to be out and able to be in nature once more!  Now that I'm out, I'll be able to blog more.  Finally!

Today, I went to my favorite store with my sister and bought 3 crystals and two books on Wicca, Paganism, and witchcraft.  I'm so excited to break them open tomorrow and further my studies!  We also bought more craft supplies, mainly ones for practicing magick.

On a side note, my throat has been hurting terrible today.  It's probably from sinus drainage, but it feels as it did when I was having tonsil problems.  One problem with that:  my tonsils were removed in December 2013!  It's rather odd.

Once again, I've begun a new book.  This one is a fictionalized story of my experiences in the most recent stay in the psychiatric ward.  Yes, I was in the psych ward.  I've been twice now.  That stay was for depression and psychosis as my anti-psychotic medicine was having many adverse side effects including suicidal thoughts, worsening visual and auditory hallucinations, and nightmares every night during which I would die.  It was all so dreadful!  Anyways, I'm mostly better now.

Emma and I visited Luna today.  She, Luna, is giving me two cats!!  I'm so excited!  The two cats are Shadow, an all black outsider who looks identical to my current cat, Kitty, and Socks, an insider who is black and white.  I'm so excited to welcome them into my family!  A it turns out, I'm turning into the crazy cat lady and enjoying every second of it!  I love spending time with animals.

Well, it's currently 1:21 am, and I'm heading off to slumberland.

Blesses be,
Maude St. Vincent

Venting

I'm not feeling well this evening.  I just got my bed pulled out (it's a couch with a pull-out bed), and I'm lying here with my pooch, Loaf.  Loaf is a dachshund/beagle mix who is 5 years old and loves to have his rump scratched.  He finally calmed down enough to lie down next to me.  The poor darling was so excited to come inside that he was running everywhere, hopping on and off of the couch, and kept giving me kisses.  He wanted rubs and kisses so much that he was climbing on me and accidentally tore my naval piercing!  I've doctored it, and it'll heal soon.

Here at home, I've assumed the mother roll (yet again) for my sister and brother.  Today, I've done laundry, dishes, made dinner, baked and decorated Bud's birthday cake, made them get baths, and have taken care of them since I picked them up from school.  It took 4 and a half hours to mix, bake, and decorate his cake, and he didn't even like it!  "It's too sweet," he said.  That little rascal! Of course it's going to be sweet, silly!  It's a homemade cake with homemade frosting and even hand-decorated!  Maybe he'll at least appreciate it when he's older.

I don't mind helping take care of Emma and Bud, but I'm there older sister for crying out loud!  I'm not there mother!  I'm on medical leave from school right now so I can rest and get better.  How am I to do that when I have to help keep the house running?  Dad has been stressed and in a foul mood lately.  Stress from everything has been building up, and he's having to adapt to a major change:  our credit card debt is paid off.  Yes, I know that sounds like a positive thing of relief, but, in actually, it's also a cause of stress as well.  The large payments are gone, but there are always sources of economic stress and struggle, especially since I've moved back home.

Earlier today, Dad told me he's glad I'm home.  That was nice to here.  It's comforting to know I'm appreciated and wanted, but I don't always feel that way.  At home, I do a lot to help keep everything running, which often goes unnoticed.  Sometimes, I still feel as though I shouldn't be here at home.

There is a lot more I want to say, but I just started a new medicine and am not feeling well.  I've been faint, dizzy, and am feeling very weird in my head and everywhere else.  I don't even know what I'm saying right now, so I'm heading to bed.

Sweetest dreams,
Maude

On The Road

Today through Sunday, I'm going to visit my aunt and uncle, Dani and Sam, with my grandparents. I last saw Sam in October and Dani in July. For on the road, I brought a book, The Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, and the scarf I'm crocheting. 

I love road trips. We'll be on the road for 2 to 2 and a half hours today. It's been a while since I've been on a nice drive. I'm hoping to drive through Virginia and maybe a few other places this summer. Taking trips and traveling are always nice. Being able to get away for a little while is something I greatly enjoy. It's tough to get away often because gas is so expensive. 

On our way out of town, we drove by the turn off for Luna's. I really miss her. Right now, we spend time together on the weekends, but she's starting her new job this weekend and only works weekends. That'll make it tough, but we'll make it work. We aren't able to talk often, but she and I make the most out of what we have. That's what life is about:  making the most out of what you have and enjoying today since there isn't promise of tomorrow.

Since converting religions/beliefs, I've been much happier and feeling more connected with everything. I don't know if the things I see are spirits or figments of my mind. Same goes for the voices. My psychiatrist put me on another anti psychotic and said it's either psychosis brought on by the depression or schizophrenia since they've been here for a while and have happened before. We're going to keep an eye on it all. He also wants to do a brain scan if they continue. Having so many health problems makes me scared to have kids because of my genetics. 

Well, I think I'm going I get back to my reading, and I'll check in later!

Much love,

Maude

Disappointment

As the rest of my family learns of my medical withdraw, I feel like such a disappointment and failure. I hate being sick. I'd hate to know what they'll think when they find out about my religion. At this point, I already feel like I have to try harder because I'm not straight and my birth kept my parents from their dreams. The guilt of my birth is something I shouldn't have, and my parents told me they wouldn't change anything and never regretted having me, but it's still here. I feel as though I have to succeed and do my very best because I'm going to college for them and myself. I don't want to fail them, even though they said I can't. 

Religion

So recently, I've been pondering religion and where I stand.  I was raised in a Christian church, Methodist to be exact.  I've had a lot of problems with the Christian church, especially with the hypocrisy.  I've looked into various religions and am most drawn to paganism.  My family will have many problems with this, but religion is a personal thing.  I don't plan on telling them because it would cause such a conflict.  I'm within another closet, but everyone is in a closet of some sort.  I don't have a problem with that currently because I am at peace, or working towards it, and that's what matters:  inner peace and personal acceptance.  As I look farther into myself and explore my beliefs, I may post about them.  Here's to new beginnings and a fresh outlook!

Book making

For today's first project, I'm going to make a book.

I love books and crafts, so I'm going to make my own book!  By this, I mean I'm going to sew together the pages to make a journal.  I've done this before, and it's a lot of fun!  I will sell some of them on Etsy.

If you're interested in viewing or purchasing any of my makings, my Etsy store will be opening soon. Once it is open, I will post a link.

Love always,
Maude

Pinterest!

Hello all!

I'm on Pinterest! Here's a link:  http://pinterest.com/worldinmyhands

Evening Update

Hello there, dear friend!

I'm on a date with Luna currently.  She is staying tonight with me at home.  I love having her here!  She and I are both blogging.  We had a time in which we communicated with our spirits for a while, so I figured we needed some time to reflect, absorb, and release.

I've been meaning to blog again for a while. So much has been going on!  I've moved back home.  here, we converted out sunroom into my bedroom.  I love it out here!

Hmm.  I'm not sure where I left off.

I'm currently on medical leave from college, although it hasn't yet been approved officially.  The committee will be meeting about my case soon, probably this week.

I met with a psychiatrist on campus.  He diagnosed me with reoccurring depressive psychosis.  I was e-mailed a copy of his doctoral report because the committee who is reviewing my medical withdraw case requested it as medical documentation.  I read through it and agree with what he said.  It was interesting to read things from his point of view.  He started me on Prozac, an antidepressant, and Geodon, an antipsychotic.  As it turns out, I'm allergic to the Geodon.  I have since stopped it.  The Prozac, however, it helping a lot.

For my fibromyalgia, I met with a doctor at the pain management clinic in town.  Finally, I've found doctors who are willing to help with the pain!  They added Lyrica, aquatic therapy, and an external neurostimulator.  The neurostimulator is a device that I'll attach to my back which will confuse the nerves and feels like a massage chair.  I sure hope it all helps!

I don't know what it is about her but Luna helps bring out my creative side, writing in particular.  She has helped me so much, but she doesn't know this.  I'm trying to enjoy as much time with her as I can since I may soon be losing her.  A few years ago, she learned she may die of a car accident during or shortly after her senior year of high school.  I'd hate to lose her, but, if that's what's meant to be, I can't alter her path.  I've asked the spirits a few questions on the topic, but I do not wish to disclose those questions or answers here.  They're too painful at this current time.  Tears are welling in my eyes as I write this.  I really don't want to lose her.  If what the spirits say is true, I'm getting mixed signals.  I do not understand how one thing can be yet another is in occurrence as well.  It's very confusing.  I really don't want to lose her as I've had much lose thus far.  Losing someone hurts so terribly much!  She and I began talking a month and a half ago, but I feel so close to her.  I can't explain it!  I just feel connected.  I wonder if she feels the same or similarly.

Luna is lying next to me in bed right now and is drifting asleep.  She refuses to let me read her post until I post mine.  I'll add more soon.  I promise!

Love always,
Maude

Update

Hello!

I know it's been forever since I last posted, but I assure you new posts are in their way! I moved back home on Sunday and have since been unpacking and adjusting. I promise to post tomorrow!

Love always,

Maude