Morning thoughts

Good morning!

So many thoughts racing through my head. Can they please slow down or stop? Life feels like a dream. I can barely remember the past few days. I'm barely functioning. I remember why I hated taking meds, but I'm giving my body the time it needs to adapt. 

Feeling lost and alone,

Maude

Writing and Projects

I've been working more on my book lately.  It's so exciting!  I'm hoping to work on a few other projects along the way.  I think it'll help a lot with my recovery.  Having projects helps me have focus and something with which I can see progress immediately.

Project Ideas

• Podcasts
• YouTube channel
• Other books

I'm not sure yet, but as soon as I start something, I'll let you know!

Much love,

Maude

New Posts

Hello, dear friend!

I know it's been a bit since I've posted. I have a few pieces in the works that will serve as updates and explanations. Also under wraps are a few new projects and ideas I've been throwing around. I'll have those posts out soon!

Yours truly,

Maude

The Beginning of Progress

Well, it has begun. Wednesday, I finally talked to someone about my depression.

Recap: Lately, my depression has been spiraling out of control. Around this time last year, I was in the hospital for depression and self-harm. I saw a counselor and psychiatrist regularly after my release. During that time, I was on and off of various medicines for the depression and anxiety. Some of the medicines were used to treat the side effects of the depression and other medicines, such as sleep problems and psychosis. The psychosis consisted of visual and auditory hallucinations, and it began when I was at a very low point. 

I've been off of all mental medications for 6 months now because I wanted to try and see if I could manage the mental issues and such on my own. I can't. 

Though I hate to say it, I've come to accept that I need the help of medications to manage my mental health problems. I hate it because I feel as though I don't have control over my body, but, at the same time, the meds are giving me control. I didn't want to rely on medicines to function, but I'm not. I'm using the medicines as assistance so I may be able to function more normally. 

Because I've been off of medication for so long, the depression has taken advantage of the free reign and has me at its mercy. Not for long, sucker! I'm taking control again!

For a while after the meds stopped, I was decent. I moved to college, began a social life, survived the break-up with Millie, and adjusted to my new life. Things then began to get a little rocky as flashbacks haunted me once more and I struggled with the break-up. I told a few friends about the problems and began to see a therapist in town. After seeing her for a few visits, I quit going because the stubbornness from the depression kicked in. When the stubbornness arises, I don't want to seek help or do anything that will help me. I can't explain it; it just happens.

Anyways, I went for a while teeter tottering on my own until I started my free fall downward. When it begins, I don't notice. I don't know exactly how long I've been falling back down, but it's been for a while now. I thought every so often that things were getting worse, but I would cast the thoughts aside. I'm strong and can make it on my own, right? Wrong. The depression is stemming from a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I need the medication to correct it. 

Since I'm at such a low, the psychosis has returned. Yep! I'm hearing voices and seeing things again. So fun. The visuals range from a warped image of what I see to bugs to shadow people. I've seen ghosts before, and they don't look the same as what I see now. Sometimes, I'm able to understand the voices, but I can't most of the time. When I do, I hear my name being called. It always has a bad tone to it. 

Thursday, I met with the Dean of Students. After a long discussion, we decided my best option right now is to apply for medical withdrawal from the semester. If accepted, I most likely will, I will move back home and return to school in the fall, if I'm ready then. Although I hate to do it, it's my bet option and in my best interest. I submitted my application this morning. 

After meeting with him, I went to the counseling center on campus for a crisis appointment. I talked to a social worker there, and she helped me calm my mind and get everything sorted. I meet with her again tomorrow as a follow up. 

Once I left her office, I headed to student health and met with a doctor about my asthma. I've had several problems each week lately. She added Singilair. It's helping some. 

Friday, I saw a psychiatrist on campus. He started me on Prozac for the depression and geodon for the psychosis. I'm having very weird side effects from both, as worried and expected. I see my counselor and psychiatrist at home in 2 weeks and my digestive doctor the week after to discuss my digestive issues.

Although things have changed a lot over the past few days, they're all for the better. My parents and I have plans for when I move back home, and everyone is supportive. 

I'll try to post again soon. 

All the best,

Maude

Help

I'm falling faster and faster.  The soonest appointment I could get is 3 and a half weeks.  I don't want to be hospitalized again.  I'm missing classes and letting everything go, but I don't care anymore.  Why don't I care anymore?  I'm so scared!  To get help sooner, they'd throw me into the hospital again.  I don't want that, but this is what they call a "crisis" situation.  What do I do?  I'm sitting on my bed right now and about to burst into tears.  The pain is so strong and making things worse.  I'm also very nauseous.  I can't cry because my roommate is in here.  I don't know what to do.  I don't see it getting any better before my appointment.  I'm suppose to be in class right now, but I don't know if my parents know that or not.  If I send mom a txt, she'll call me.  She always gets mad when we talk about my depression.  I can't tell her that I didn't make it to class.  That'll make her even more mad.  I can't just push through.  It isn't that easy!  If it was, I wouldn't be at this point!  I was hoping working out this morning would help, but it made things worse.

I just sent my mom a text asking her what to do.  I dread her call, especially since my roommate is in here.  My heart is racing, and my face is boiling red.

I really don't want to be hospitalized again, but I'll do whatever is best.  Signs that things are every terrible are here and progressing.

I'm really scared and need help.  What do I do?

Downward Spiral

Stress keeps building up, and I don't want to implode.  I need to call and set up many appointments.  There is so much on my plate right now!  Every day, I find myself falling farther and farther down into the pit of despair.  I need help.  The physical pain doesn't help.  The cycle is repeating itself.  I need the light to return.  I'm trying so hard not to give in to the dark desires once more.  It's quite a struggle!  Nevertheless, I'm still trying.  Tomorrow, I am going to reach out for help.

In need of solace,
Maude

A Few Thoughts

I've been having a couple thoughts here and there today, and I reckon I'll share there here with you.

I visited with some folks today.  There are some people I wish I didn't have in my life, but I can't change that.  There is something Charlie really needs to know, but I don't know how to tell him nor do I know if I should.  It's rather embarrassing on his part.  I try to tell him at times, but he won't listen.

Family is very stressful, but I'm glad I have them.

I'm often forgetful.  Brewing a delectable cup of tea at the moment.  I reckon it must be rather strong by now- just the way I like it!  I just checked, and the brew has steeped for quite a bit! Delish!

Although her name is of the moon, Luna brings sunshine to my life.  I hope she and I can spend time together again soon.

Post Procedure

I had my procedure this morning. It went well, but I feel beyond terrible now. I'm cramping and hurting to the high heavens and very nauseous. The pain medicine isn't helping much, and no matter how I lay, it's highly uncomfortable. This could last for days, weeks, months. It'll be 8 to 12 weeks before I'll notice a difference from its effects. I hadn't met the doctor beforehand, but he was super sweet and even cracked a few jokes! Luna was messaging me before it happened. I really truly appreciate her support. It helps more than she knows. I'm so thankful to have her in my life right now. They say good things happen to those who wait. I truly believe that. Well, I'm heading off to sleep. The medicines are making me drowsy.

Much love,

Maude

Flashbacks

I thought I was past this. I hate getting flashbacks. I think I know what the trigger was. Sometimes, even little things can serve as triggers. On top of the antibiotic, anxiety, and bile reflux, the flashbacks are making me sick to my stomach. I wish they would stop. It happened 5 and a half years ago yet feels like yesterday. Thanks to my vivid imagination, I just about relive the memory. Will they ever end? When will I heal? Why does it still hurt so much?

Anticipation

It's 5:22 am. I'm lying in bed wishing sleep would take me away, but it won't. I have too many thoughts on my mind and am anxious about my appointment in 3 hours. I'm having a procedure done. It'll be very painful, and I'll be in pretty bad pain for a few days or weeks, but it should help ease current medical problems. Anyways, I sure hope it'll help. Help is something I greatly need right now.

No. 1 Quality in a Partner

Sometimes, I like to think about what exactly I look for in a companion. Some of the qualities I look for are honesty, compassion, a love of cuddles, passion, romanticism, a drive for adventure, and a desire to travel, but those aren't the top priority. The number 1 aspect I hope to find in a partner is acceptance. I want to be with someone who accepts and loves me as I am. It isn't a lot to ask, but, at the same time, it is. Sometimes, beauty is in the imperfections, and the imperfections sure are plentiful. I'm scared to expose myself: my flaws, secrets, weak spots. I hate feeling naked, exposed, and vulnerable. I want to be with someone with whom I can be naked in the truth yet be comfortable in knowing that I am loved and accepted, even in my rawest of forms or at a low point. 

Goals for My Future

~Have a family (maybe a large one?)

~Travel in Europe

~Travel across America in a RV

~Have at least 1 writing published

~Career: currently unknown

Depression

\What a kicker.  I hate it.  My depression has been worsening again.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with MDD: Major Depressive Disorder.  It's thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I agree.  I think it may partly stem from events from my past as well, but I won't delve into those at this time.  Conversations need to be held first, when the time is right.

I've seen therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, and even been admitted to the hospital once thanks to this demon.  The demon sometimes tries to conquer my mind and, at times, succeeds.  I try to fight back but am not always successful in my plights.  The counseling helped my accept my past.  That doesn't seem to be the problem nowadays.  Nothing in my life is "upsetting" me, nor am I merely sad.

The demon in my head threw me to the bottom of a deep pit years ago.  I try to climb out and sometimes get a ways up but fall right back down.  Most of the time, I am able to catch myself before I hit the bottom.  I've been to rockbottom a few times.  It most certainly is not a pleasant place to be.

There, the darkness extinguishes all light and hope.  An end can be seen, but it is the end to all.  I don't want it all to end.  My story is still beginning!  I have too many things for which to live to die right now.  I'm only 19!

I sometimes fear myself to be mad, but the best of us are.  In my head, I can escape to other worlds.  A very strong imagination  often comes in handy.  It is easy for me to imagine my future and adventures I'd love to have.  This helps give me hope and reasons to hold on and stay strong.

I've been fighting off the darkness the best I can.  It's been worsening again.  I even broke down and let my parents in on some of my present struggles.  That's one reason I know it's bad.  I don't let them in.  I even told my father how I fear I'll be a disappointment to my family and feel as though they all, including myself, have high expectations of me.  He said they just want me to be happy.  After he told me that, I felt worse because I'm not happy.  In some ways, I am.  In others, I am not.  A current state of being is rather complex.

I've been contemplating seeing a psychiatrist again.  I think it has been worsening lately because of the imbalance as I can't control it.  As prior mentioned, nothing has happened lately that has upset me.  I'm considerable stressed about school, but part of that is from my mental state.  Some of the side effects I've had before when in a very dark place are back.  I hate them so very much!  Hatred is a very strong thought/feeling, but I mean it.  I hate what my body and mind are doing to me.  Trying to hold onto reality can sometimes be a struggle.

I fear it will all ruin what I hold near and dear to me, including relationships.  When I get like this, I tend to shut everyone out, push others away, and neglect what is important.  I hate falling asleep, but once asleep, I don't want to get up or out of bed.  Motivation is lacking at times.  For now, I'll grab whatever I can and hold on to in until it falls or a better support comes along.  By this, I'm not referring to people.  Main forms of motivation and hope are events, such as trips.  I'm scared at after reading this, Luna may decide I'm too screwed up.  I don't think she the type of person to think that way, but by exposing these inner thoughts, I'm exposing a raw and vulnerable spot.  This brings about negative thoughts and fears of rejection.  Whatever happens will happen.  I will accept it and move forward.

Light and Darkness

Today, my family and I discussed our plans for a vacation this summer.  It's been years since we've been on a nice vacation thanks to debt and the economy.

This year, it's a different story.

In 4 weeks, we will be debt free as the credit cards will be paid off! Hoorah!  We've had many dark times over the past few years.  That's all about to change.  I remember a week in which we had to scrounge around the house to find change to pay for toilet paper.

Thankfully, I don't think my siblings knew how bad it was.  I think they have some idea though.  Our previous home was almost foreclosed, but we signed the deed over to the bank instead.  We even claimed bankruptcy.  Since then, we've been renting a small place.  It's cramped, and I hate it here, but it's all we can afford right now.  My parents are happy here, and I think my siblings are too.

Emma and Buddy haven't moved as much as I have.  My dorm is the 10th place I've lived.  I'll soon be moving to an apartment.  My own place.  It feels as though I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time, as I have.  I'm ready for freedom.  Living in the dorm has brought about some freedom.  I've babysat and been almost a second mother to Emma and Buddy since I was 13 years old, though I helped care for them since their birth as well.

This summer has been a long time coming.  Although we're still in the planning process, we might be taking the train to Florida and going to Universal Studios and Disney World!!!  I'm so excited!  We've needed some light in our lives for a long time.  I'm hoping having the credit cards (a major burden for several years) paid off will help bring that light.

Another major burden is our medical bills.  Those, however, won't be eliminated for a very long time.  My mom and I have many medical problems.  Partly from my chronic conditions, I get sick rather often.  Depression, fibromyalgia, asthma, and several digestive issues torment me often.  As feared, they are once again damaging me academically.  Some days, I wake up but can't get out of bed because I'm in excruciating pain from my neck down.  Others, I have a severe upset stomach, nausea, or vomiting from the IBS, Celiac, or bile reflux.  When the weather was really cold and windy, I'd walk to class and an asthma attack would literally take my breath away.  I hate being sick, but it could be worse.

Luna

Lately, I've been falling for a lovely lady named Luna. She is 1 year, 1 month, and 1 day my junior, 7 to 8 inches shorter, and 1 year below me academically.  Every day, I find myself falling more and more for her.

A few thoughts:

• I've read the 3 short stories she has posted.  She's a brilliant writer!
• After reading the last story posted, I wonder when I should reveal a secret of mine
• We're going through similar challenges
• Luna is an amazing kisser

She and I have been talking for a month and have spent 5 incredible days together.  I'm hoping that, maybe in the near future, she will be my girlfriend.  Dating and relationships can be such a challenge sometimes, especially with timing.  I definitely don't want to rush anything.  Taking it slow is really nice and, surprisingly, rather enjoyable too!  In today's day and age, it is rather easy to rush in almost everything.  It seems to be that relationships that are quick to begin are quick to end.  

I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I'm attracted to her in a different sort of way.  True, I haven't been attracted to a female lately, and females are a lot different than males, but that isn't it.  I can't pinpoint it.  Talking with her and being in her presence is so easy and fluid.  It hasn't been that way with anyone in a long time.  I don't feel the need to filter or try to hide.  I find myself missing her, but I don't want to come off too strong and scare her away.  That's something I fear.  This could be the beginning of something beautiful, and I fear I may ruin it.

There is a lot I don't yet know about her, but the same is true of her knowledge of me.  I have so many questions.  Does she have questions about me?

Millie Fitzgerald

Brief background on Millie:

• Long distance relationship
• 19 months
• Broke up 6 months ago
• Nasty/ugly break-up

We last talked on the 25th of December 2013, the day that would've been our 2nd anniversary.  Her sister accidentally called me today, so I sent her a text message making sure everything was ok.  It was.  I asked her if she's like to catch up or split ways once more.  She left that decision up to me, and I asked if we could catch up as I often find myself wondering how she is and such.  She was my first love, and I still care for her, although not as I did before.  I think, as my first love, she'll always have a special place in my heart.  Everyday, I find myself thinking of her. I sometimes wonder how life would be if we didn't break up or if we had broken up in a different manner that wasn't as terrible.  To some extent, all break-ups hurt in one way or another if both truly cared for one another.  

Note:  I wished to catch-up with her as a friend, not as a possible companion.  The position of possible companion is currently taken, proudly, by Luna.

We called and talked on the phone for around an hour or so.  She has been doing rather well lately, although not the best; I won't go into specifics on the negatives.  Millie got into the college of the dreams and has a great future planned.  I hope her future is well.  Thought:  I wonder if I'll ever see her again.  I wish her all the best with her future endeavors.  Plans never seem to go as intended, but sometimes that's for the best.  If everything went as planned, nothing would be as it is today.  I hope Millie are on a road towards friendship, as that would be nice.  I hope one day I'll be as close to someone as I was with her or maybe even closer!  It's been a hard but necessary task to move forth from her.  Cheers to new beginnings!

After Our First Date

Luna was sitting with me as I wrote "First Date" and kissed me shortly thereafter!  She's an amazing kisser!  In comparison to mine, she has small lips, but they're so sweet and passionate, just as she.  One might think that for her size she would be submissive, but I think Luna has a dominate side to her.

So far, Luna and I have been talking for a month.  I've thus far greatly enjoyed getting to know her.  It's always interesting starting to get to know one another.  I hope I'm going everything ok!  Since Millie, starting over has been difficult.  She was my first love, and we dated for 19 months.  It's been 6 months since we broke up.  The break-up was very ugly and nasty.  I think my heart is healed or very close to recovery since shattering.  Being alone is one thing which I sometimes hate, although I don't want to rush into a relationship.  I strongly believe relationship that are quick to start are quick to end.  Luna is like opening a new book of the same genre as Millie, although I won't compare them.  I say that because they're both female.  Relationships with males and females tend to be very different.  I do hope Luna and I will be bale to have a relationship beyond friendship and dating, but, like I said, I don't want to rush into anything.

What exactly is "rushing" into a relationship?  How long is long enough?  I'm sure it all boils down to a matter of opinion, but I also believes it depends on the couple as well.  I wonder if Luna and I are on the same page about our feelings towards one another.  When we hung out last weekend, it sure seemed as though we were.  In one of the videos we made, she talked about how much she wanted to kiss me, and I had the same thoughts!  We discussed our thoughts about when we first hung out, and, though it was hard to say because the thoughts being said were so intimate, we each confessed our liking of the other and of how much fun we had together.

First Date

(written yesterday)

Hello again!

Yesterday and today have been absolutely amazing!  Luna and I have been hanging out, and we even went out on our first date!!

Once ready for the day, we went ice skating!  On the ice (and off as well), she was so beautiful! Gliding across the ice, Luna looked so peaceful and graceful!  Trying to skate backwards, she would close her eyes, and the movements she made looked as if she were dancing.  So beautiful!  A few times, we even skated with our hands held!

I'm too bashful to say anything, but I've wanted to kiss her all day!  Being with her is so amazing! Although we've only known each other since February 16th, she makes me so incredibly happy and giddy! Almost every though of her makes me burst into smiles and giggles, blushing, butterflies all through my stomach, and warm fuzzies all around!

Hello!

Welcome!

A friend of mine recently recommended I begin blogging, so here I am!  Although I'm unsure of exactly how I'll use this, I may try a few variations of posts.

Thanks for visiting my blog, and I hope you enjoy!

Maude St. Vincent