Recap: Lately, my depression has been spiraling out of control. Around this time last year, I was in the hospital for depression and self-harm. I saw a counselor and psychiatrist regularly after my release. During that time, I was on and off of various medicines for the depression and anxiety. Some of the medicines were used to treat the side effects of the depression and other medicines, such as sleep problems and psychosis. The psychosis consisted of visual and auditory hallucinations, and it began when I was at a very low point.
I've been off of all mental medications for 6 months now because I wanted to try and see if I could manage the mental issues and such on my own. I can't.
Though I hate to say it, I've come to accept that I need the help of medications to manage my mental health problems. I hate it because I feel as though I don't have control over my body, but, at the same time, the meds are giving me control. I didn't want to rely on medicines to function, but I'm not. I'm using the medicines as assistance so I may be able to function more normally.
Because I've been off of medication for so long, the depression has taken advantage of the free reign and has me at its mercy. Not for long, sucker! I'm taking control again!
For a while after the meds stopped, I was decent. I moved to college, began a social life, survived the break-up with Millie, and adjusted to my new life. Things then began to get a little rocky as flashbacks haunted me once more and I struggled with the break-up. I told a few friends about the problems and began to see a therapist in town. After seeing her for a few visits, I quit going because the stubbornness from the depression kicked in. When the stubbornness arises, I don't want to seek help or do anything that will help me. I can't explain it; it just happens.
Anyways, I went for a while teeter tottering on my own until I started my free fall downward. When it begins, I don't notice. I don't know exactly how long I've been falling back down, but it's been for a while now. I thought every so often that things were getting worse, but I would cast the thoughts aside. I'm strong and can make it on my own, right? Wrong. The depression is stemming from a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I need the medication to correct it.
Since I'm at such a low, the psychosis has returned. Yep! I'm hearing voices and seeing things again. So fun. The visuals range from a warped image of what I see to bugs to shadow people. I've seen ghosts before, and they don't look the same as what I see now. Sometimes, I'm able to understand the voices, but I can't most of the time. When I do, I hear my name being called. It always has a bad tone to it.
Thursday, I met with the Dean of Students. After a long discussion, we decided my best option right now is to apply for medical withdrawal from the semester. If accepted, I most likely will, I will move back home and return to school in the fall, if I'm ready then. Although I hate to do it, it's my bet option and in my best interest. I submitted my application this morning.
After meeting with him, I went to the counseling center on campus for a crisis appointment. I talked to a social worker there, and she helped me calm my mind and get everything sorted. I meet with her again tomorrow as a follow up.
Once I left her office, I headed to student health and met with a doctor about my asthma. I've had several problems each week lately. She added Singilair. It's helping some.
Friday, I saw a psychiatrist on campus. He started me on Prozac for the depression and geodon for the psychosis. I'm having very weird side effects from both, as worried and expected. I see my counselor and psychiatrist at home in 2 weeks and my digestive doctor the week after to discuss my digestive issues.
Although things have changed a lot over the past few days, they're all for the better. My parents and I have plans for when I move back home, and everyone is supportive.
I'll try to post again soon.
All the best,
Maude
i'm proud of you!
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