Depression

\What a kicker.  I hate it.  My depression has been worsening again.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with MDD: Major Depressive Disorder.  It's thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I agree.  I think it may partly stem from events from my past as well, but I won't delve into those at this time.  Conversations need to be held first, when the time is right.

I've seen therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, and even been admitted to the hospital once thanks to this demon.  The demon sometimes tries to conquer my mind and, at times, succeeds.  I try to fight back but am not always successful in my plights.  The counseling helped my accept my past.  That doesn't seem to be the problem nowadays.  Nothing in my life is "upsetting" me, nor am I merely sad.

The demon in my head threw me to the bottom of a deep pit years ago.  I try to climb out and sometimes get a ways up but fall right back down.  Most of the time, I am able to catch myself before I hit the bottom.  I've been to rockbottom a few times.  It most certainly is not a pleasant place to be.

There, the darkness extinguishes all light and hope.  An end can be seen, but it is the end to all.  I don't want it all to end.  My story is still beginning!  I have too many things for which to live to die right now.  I'm only 19!

I sometimes fear myself to be mad, but the best of us are.  In my head, I can escape to other worlds.  A very strong imagination  often comes in handy.  It is easy for me to imagine my future and adventures I'd love to have.  This helps give me hope and reasons to hold on and stay strong.

I've been fighting off the darkness the best I can.  It's been worsening again.  I even broke down and let my parents in on some of my present struggles.  That's one reason I know it's bad.  I don't let them in.  I even told my father how I fear I'll be a disappointment to my family and feel as though they all, including myself, have high expectations of me.  He said they just want me to be happy.  After he told me that, I felt worse because I'm not happy.  In some ways, I am.  In others, I am not.  A current state of being is rather complex.

I've been contemplating seeing a psychiatrist again.  I think it has been worsening lately because of the imbalance as I can't control it.  As prior mentioned, nothing has happened lately that has upset me.  I'm considerable stressed about school, but part of that is from my mental state.  Some of the side effects I've had before when in a very dark place are back.  I hate them so very much!  Hatred is a very strong thought/feeling, but I mean it.  I hate what my body and mind are doing to me.  Trying to hold onto reality can sometimes be a struggle.

I fear it will all ruin what I hold near and dear to me, including relationships.  When I get like this, I tend to shut everyone out, push others away, and neglect what is important.  I hate falling asleep, but once asleep, I don't want to get up or out of bed.  Motivation is lacking at times.  For now, I'll grab whatever I can and hold on to in until it falls or a better support comes along.  By this, I'm not referring to people.  Main forms of motivation and hope are events, such as trips.  I'm scared at after reading this, Luna may decide I'm too screwed up.  I don't think she the type of person to think that way, but by exposing these inner thoughts, I'm exposing a raw and vulnerable spot.  This brings about negative thoughts and fears of rejection.  Whatever happens will happen.  I will accept it and move forward.