Another New Beginning

A few hours ago, my parents and I had a much needed heart-to-heart conversation.  I was finally able to open up to my mom about some problems that have been bothering me, and she did the same in return.  It's definitely a start.

She really voiced her concerns of my overall well-being and addressed many things that I needed to hear.  It was very tough to hear, but it's the truth:  I need to focus on getting my life together and prove my capabilities before embarking on the next journey to come.  Tomorrow is a new day in many more ways than one.  Starting now, I'm striving to be the best possible Maude St. Vincent I can be!  You can call me Captain St. Vincent because from now on, I'm running a tight ship around here.

Pulling in the anchors so I can cast the sails,
Maude

Au Pair

Recently, I've began researching into becoming an au pair, a live-in nanny in another country.  Though it's very tough convincing my parents to let me go because of my iffy health, I'm working hard to win them other.  Through AuPair World, I have been communicating with families in England and Germany in hopes of finding the perfect host family.  If I go, I'll be there for around a year.  I've already arranged for Emma to be my cat caregiver while I'm gone.  Though I wish I could, I highly doubt they could come too.  As this dream progresses, I shall update you here.

Love always,
Maude

Girls' Day Out!

Today, Jesse, Emma, Luna, and I had a girls' day out.  It was fantastic!  We went to a few shops, wandered through the mall, and enjoyed an early dinner at a Mongolian grill.  Yum!

I love going places with friends and enjoying each other's company.  It's scary to think how the world would be without such companions.

Luna even invited me to her graduation!  So exciting!  I'm so proud of her making it to this point, even if I haven't known her for too long.  Reaching graduation is an accomplishment and should be celebrated accordingly!

What a fabulous day it has been!

For now,
Maude

New Beginnings Bonfire & Feelings

If I may say so myself, the bonfire was a great success!  It was tough viewing Luna as a friend once more, but maybe it's for the best.  I picked her up around 5 pm, and Jesse and her boyfriend, Blake, got there around 7:30 pm.  Shortly thereafter, the fun began!

It took a little while to get the fire going, but we figured it out!  We roasted hotdogs, burgers, and marshmallows!  I've definitely needed this for a long while now.  Luna, Emma, and I had fun dancing barefoot in the clover, although I stepped in dog turd twice and Luna once.  Gross!

Towards the end of the evening, we help an endings and beginnings ritual.  It went amazingly well!  Several signs came about, and my emotions finally broke through- I had to excuse myself to ball me eyes out.  I've needed that release for who knows how long now.  I definitely feel different, which should, knock on wood, be a good sign.  Luna came and held me while I cried.  That was so sweet of her!  I definitely needed the comfort.

Sometimes, I feel so alone and outcast, but I try not to let that show through.  A strong facade I strive greatly to uphold.  It's bad, but people would worry greatly if they knew what was truly going on, especially with my mental health.  My depression has gotten a lot better thanks to Prozac, but I still struggle with the anxiety and such.  It can be difficult to decipher if the voices, sounds, and visuals are spiritual or otherwise.  My psychiatrist thinks I'm schizophrenic, but others would say I'm spiritually gifted.  Is it one, the other, or even some of both?  I don't know.  I do, however, know I won't be mentioning this to my therapist or psychiatrist.

I have no clue how I feel right now.  Everything just feels as though it's happening, and I'm here.  It's hard to explain other than I feel as though I'm floating through life, but the pain, mental, physical, and emotional, remains.  Where to go?  What to do?  I have no clue.  I feel lost, empty, and many ways I shouldn't yet also lightly comforted.  Any advice?

Friday

Friday, Jesse, her boyfriend, and Luna are coming over for a bonfire.  It's so we can all hangout.  I just read Luna's post from last night about our conversation.  Now, I definitely have strong vibes that she rather be friends than girlfriends.  She isn't happy in the relationship and wants to do things but can't because she's with me.  I want her to be happy.  If she's happiest without me as her girlfriend, I can deal.  As I've said, I want to be with her; I truly do.  She just doesn't feel the same.  I've felt things have been off since I asked her out.  I think I asked her too early.  I got excited and jumped the gun.  I'm not too good with these things.  Maybe, I'll be better one day.

For now,
Maude

Our Relationship

Luna and I have been dating for almost 2 months now.  I've noticed for a while now that we don't seem to be on the same page.

An excerpt from her blog:

pros:

• she is a relaxing energy
• she is a positive energy
• she is spiritually similar
• she is hippie-ish (more so than me)
• she is a good cuddler

cons:

• no chemistry - its like i'm dating a friend
• maybe a little too hippie? (granted… i admire her determination and dedication to her 1 year plan… i'll support her choices… but still.)
• its like we are a bit too similar…theres no spark for me. 
• i think the relationship started before i was ready for it to. thats why there was no honey moon phase… and it is the honey moon phase that tends to fuel the relationship… gives it a strong start. 
• i feel like a jerk because i'm not really invested in the relationship. 

She says it's up to me whether we stay together or break up.  I don't know what to do.  She doesn't seem as happy as she did before.  Sometimes, things seem great!  We kiss and cuddle and enjoy each other's company.  Other times, I can tell something is off.  I fear we may break-up and have been getting these vibes for a while now.  I really like Luna, but she doesn't seem to be on the same level.  It would be great if we could stay together, but Luna doesn't seem happy. As someone use to tell me, it takes two for a relationship.  Right now, it isn't two-sided.  I want whatever is best for both of us.  Since Luna doesn't feel chemistry, it may be best if we break-up.  I truly want to hope the honeymoon phase will hit because I like being with her, but I don't think she will be happy until then.  Plus, she has doubts.  A seed grows into a plant.  It's up to her.  If she'll be happy with me as a girlfriend, we can try to get things on the right track.  If she doesn't think it'll work, we can break it off.  Luna-  How will you be happiest?

Love always,
Maude

Hippie

If anyone is in need of a hippie friend, I'm here!

My "Hippie" Attributes

• Not shaving for at least a year (It's been a month or so already)
• Dreads
• Gardening
• Vegetables
• Fruits
• Herbs
• Flowers
• Meditation at leave once a day
• Making my own clothes
• Very spiritual
• Down to earth
• Peace-loving
• I play a djembe drum
• Super mellow, chill, and laid-back

Namaste!

Cleansing

Time to do a cleansing!

I'm tired of this negativity bringing me down!  I've got everything ready to do a nice cleansing.  I'm so excited!  My aura and home are in desperate need of a refresher.  Plus, I'm hosting a bonfire Friday to help celebrate new beginnings and the enjoyment of life!

Best wishes,
Maude

Tough Times

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

Today, I came to realize things have been rather difficult lately.  At least I realized it now.

Sunday, I got a new phone because our 2 year contract was up.  I went from an iPhone 4 to an iPhone 5S.  Because of the Apple iOS, the new phone downloaded the contents from my last phone back-up. Because I hate deleting photos, my iCloud data has been at its maximum since, apparently, July of 2012.  The new phone downloaded all the photos from that time and brought back painful memories I've been trying to work past.  It hurts terribly, and I'm clueless as what to do.  Any suggestions?  I'm going through and deleting the old photos and voicemails and looking into cleansing rituals.  Why must my body bottle up the emotions?  I'm so hard to let them run and be free.  The pressure can't build up once more.

Any words of support or advice are much appreciated.

Thanks,
Maude

Vent about Emma

Emma is my 11 year old sister.  I love her so very much, but sometimes, she makes me want to pull me hair out!  Now is one of those moments.  She's at the age where she, for whatever reason, hates to shower.  When she comes home after a day of play and such at school, her feel smell horrendous!  She's absolutely refusing to bathe.  Why?  It's so gosh darn frustrating!  If she would bathe, the smell would go away, but she refuses.

Time for some incense and meditation!

Education & Following My Dreams

When growing up, my parents told me, as most parents do, "You can be whatever you want!" and encouraged me to dream big.  I'm 19 years old now, and their viewpoint has changed tremendously.  Now, they're highly critical of what I study and the career I wish to engage in my future years.

I began my university studies with computer science.  With a B. S. in Computer Science, I wanted to go into software design or software engineering.  Within the first semester, my minor went from IT to women's studies.  The second semester rolled around, and I was lost from my previous computer programming course.  I decided to retake it alongside the next course: discrete mathematics.  The latter class was a confusing course of p's and q's.  I hated it!  What was I studying?  Was this what I really wanted to do for the next 30 to 50 years?  I think not.

The German course I was taking in the spring was fascinating, and I throughly enjoyed studying the language and culture.  I then changed my course of study to German in hopes of becoming...I don't know.  Maybe an English professor in Germany, Austria, or Switzerland?  Ehh, it was a possibility.

Halfway through the semester, I went on medical leave and moved back in with my parents at home.  Where am I now?  I'm not sure.  I'm questioning what future career I wish to have along with my course of study that would best suit the career and vice versa.  Do I return to the university in the fall?  Maybe enroll in online classes because of my questionable health?  Forget college altogether and study on my own?  Those are the questions I'm currently facing.

What I know:

• I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom
• I want to have biological children and adopt/foster
• I want to travel the country and globe

What I don't know:

• How will I fund my dreams?
• What is my next step?
• How can I make those dreams a reality?

In today's society, education is important, but the value of a college diploma is declining as recent graduates are seeking the same jobs as the general public because of either a lack of jobs, poor economy, etc.  Plus, graduates and college students have piles of debt from the university.  Is it even worth it?

Recently, I've delved into researching college alternatives or, as some call it, ways to "hack" my education.  I've found many resources for studying a variety of topics for free or a low cost.  These courses wouldn't result in a degree, but what is the point of a degree if I can prove and apply my knowledge?  I don't think I'm heading towards a typical career, so a typical degree may not be necessary.  I think I may save up, purchase a camper/RV, and travel around the nation working odd jobs and writing until I settle down and start a family.  I believe that route would provide the most adventure, satisfaction, happiness, and a plethora of stories to share thereafter.

Since devising that plan, I feel more secure about my future and happiness.  I don't know if my family will support my dreams or not, but, when it comes down to it, that doesn't matter but so much.  I've been told I'll regret more the choices I did not take more than the ones I do.  Also, the more I believe in my choices and dreams, the less I need others to believe in them.  Both statements of advice are fueling me.  How will it all play out?  Stay tuned!

Cheers to the many adventures ahead!

Maude

Readers

To my amazing readers,

Thank you so much for being a part of my life and reading my blog!  If there's anything you would like for me to write about or anything you'd like to know, feel free to e-mail me at maude_st.vincent@yahoo.com.

Love always,
Maude

A Plan

I finally have a general idea what I want to do with my life!  I want to purchase a camper/RV and travel around the nation after college.  What will fund this?  I'm working out those details currently.  I want to get out into the world and enjoy life!  That's what I'm going to do!  Other people can do it, so why can't I?

Luna

Luna and I have been dating for a month and a half now.  I love spending time with her when we can, but those times aren't too often because of work, school, and family activities.  That's really tough.  I don't  know what it is, but when I'm with her, I'm happy.  I'm wondering where she stands as far as we are concerned because we don't talk much, at no fault of our own.  She's seemed rather distant lately because of stress from college planning, family, senior things, and everything else that is going on in her life.  I wish I could help.  It hurts seeing her hurt.  I just want to help and make it all better, but I know I can't.  We've known one another for going on 3 months, so we aren't able to read one another yet.  I hate how my depression and anxiety cause me to overthink things.  That's really hurting me.  It's another 3 weeks until I see my therapist.  Jesse is my best friend from high school.  She and I are hanging out Tuesday and going to the beach to get away from it all for a bit and catch up.  Maybe, I can talk to her about all my thoughts, and she can help me figure them out.  I don't feel like separating out my paragraphs tonight.  Friday, Luna invited me to go with her to her twin's softball game.  It was a lot of fun!  I feel as though before the game went rather well-  her younger sister and I talked for a bit and got along very well!  I hope her family likes me.  I know my family adores her!  Everyone here always loves when she comes to visit, especially Emma and Bud.  Luna and I cuddled all last night.  It was so perfect!!  After we woke up this morning, Emma and Bud climbed into bed with us as we all talked and played with the cats for a while.  As soon as Luna and I parked at her work, I coughed or burped and the powder from a medicine that was stuck in my throat went everywhere!  It really burned my throat and airways.  We went inside and got a bottle of water.  It helped some, but the pain is still horrid.  I was so sad to leave her, but I know I had to go.  Why do I get so attached?  It's not that I'm clingy; I just want to spend time with her and get to know her better.  Is anything wrong with that?  I've been kind of reserved with the thoughts that I vocalize because of the fear that I'll push her away.  This always happens:  I overthink things and doubts about myself grow.  I don't know what to do about that.  It's so hard always putting myself down as I do.  My mind and body work against me so much.  Will I ever win? I just want to be happy and enjoy life.  Is that too much to ask?

Quick Rant/Thoughts

Good evening!

Well, it's midnight but whatever.

I just had a few thoughts to throw down real quick.

Oh my gosh.  I'm so tired of being sick!!  I'm in killer pain right now thanks to the fibromyalgia and scoliosis and can't enjoy my night with Luna because of it!  I wish this pain would ease at least a little.  Even with my TENS unit (external nerve stimulator), pain meds, and a heat patch, it's still at a level 9!!  I hate my body sometimes because of all my health problems.  The last time she was here, my digestive issues were kicking up, and this time, it's the pain!  Can I please get a break?  I'm seeing the pain management clinic, using the TENS unit, taking my medicine, and doing physical therapy three times a week.  It eases a little but then BOOM!  Surprise!  It's back as if I were hit with a train in my back.  Maybe the orthotics/prosthetics will help after I get the custom shoe insert to even out the lengths of my legs.  I hate how much the pain keeps worsening.  Sometimes, I want to kill myself to escape the pain, but I won't.  I have way too much ahead of me to cut my life short.  I just want to feel better.  Fibromyalgia, asthma, scoliosis, bile reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, depression, and anxiety love to reek their havoc with me whenever they possibly can.  Will I even be able to get a break?  I want to be able to enjoy my life and the time I have with Luna.  She's my amazing girlfriend and I want be able to enjoy the time I spend with her.  Is that too much to ask?  I enjoy my time with her but would be able to do so even more if my health would mellow out for a bit.  She's asleep next to me at the moment.  I wanted to vent that real quick.  Time for cuddles!

Sweet dreams,
Maude

Starting a family!

Great news, everyone!  I've started my family!  But, it isn't in the way you're probably thinking.  I adopted 2 cats from Luna!  At home, Soxy, Shadow, and I are becoming acquainted, and it sure is an adventure!

Whenever I was visiting Luna last Monday, she jokingly asked if I'd like a free cat!  I figured she was talking about Shadow since she had told me before of how they were seeking a home for him.  I went over and began petting him and fell in love!  Shadow is a black kitten a little under a year old with brilliant green eyes.  He came right over to me, but we didn't really start bonding until later.  Once inside, Luna also introduced me to Soxy, a 10 to 12 year old female who is black on the top and white on the bottom.  At first, Soxy didn't like myself or Emma at all.  I told Luna I'd ask my parents about the cats once I was home, and that I did!  It took some convincing, but they finally agreed to let me adopt both of them.  Thursday, I picked them up and took them home.

On the drive home, Soxy was in a carrier in the front passenger foot of the car, and Shadow was lying on a pet bed on the seat.  It was quite an interesting drive, especially since Shadow had never been for a ride before.  Poor Soxy was meowing in a pleading manner for the entire drive.  Shadow, on the other hand, was purring contently as I stroked his back until he fell asleep.

At home, I carried both of them inside.  Soxy darted into the closest hiding place she could find while her new brother began his adventure of exploring his new place.  He warmed up to Emma, Bud, and my dad rather quickly.  For our first night together, Soxy slept in hiding and Shadow slept on his pet bed near her.

More of our story coming soon.

Visiting

I'm visiting the LGBT Resource Office on campus today. Quick thought: It's easy to tell who likes me here and who doesn't. It doesn't phase me, but some people are totally ignoring me. Others, however, are giving loads of hugs and are excited to see me again. I'm so excited to see some of them again! It's been almost a month since I left. I'll check in later!