First Post in Forever

Hello!

As you may see, this is my first post in a very long time.  So much has been happening lately!  Before I review the time since I wrote, I would like to speak on what just happened.

I was reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green and trying to finish it.  I'm nearing the end and reached a very sad part.  For those of you who have not yet read the book or seen the movie, I won't include any spoilers!  Even though it's late and I'm tired, I was determined to finish it tonight.  I reached this part, and my plans changed.  Such sadness brought forth many painful memories in vivid detail.

It's rather interesting how the detail and depth of memories varies.  Sometimes, I remember the general visit with my family.  Other times, which tend to be pretty rare, I remember the sound of my great-grandfather's voice, how he acted, specific conversations and happenings, and a variety of other details, such as the type of gum he carried around with him.

In TFIOS, the character of Van Houten wrote the following quote in one of his letters, "Writing does not resurrect. It buries."  Remembering that, something that is buried can also be dug up again.  In that sense, whenever something is written, it is buried, but it can be "dug up" at any time to be experienced by the reader, hence the bringing up of my memories.

That's one aspect of writing that I love:  I can document whatever I like and can return to experience the thoughts, emotions, and memories whenever I please, and others can do so as well.  In that sense, anything can become immortal.  On that note, and going back to the quote, writing something down won't bring it back into the physical realm, but it may exist infinitely in the realm of thought.

Quick thought:  It's interesting how I'm having these thoughts so late at night. (The time is currently 1:35 am.)  Yet another example of how I'm a night owl!

Anyways, I wanted to release those thoughts and observations of the present before delving into the happenings of the past, which I shall work on tomorrow(technically speaking, today).

Until next time,
Maude.

Absence/Update

Hello!

I know it's been a rather long while since I last posted.  So much has been going on!

Hmm...  Where to begin?!

Overview:  vacation in the mountains, trip to California, and another trip in North Carolina!

Let the masses of update posts begin!

Road Trip: Mountains!

Tomorrow morning, my family and I are embarking on a road trip to the mountains of North Carolina!  For the drive, I will be in the backseat with my two siblings.  I'm super excited to go on vacation, but two things worry me:  I get carsick in the backseat and family vacations/trips always stress me out.  Today, I've been packing and stressing like crazy!  It doesn't help that I've been sick and still seem to be dealing with something.  Sinus junk has been making me sick, and nerves are upsetting my stomach.  How fun!  Don't get me wrong because I am excited for the mountains, spending time with my family, staying at a nice resort, going mining for gold and gems, visiting an amusement park, and more, but the stress is really getting to me.  Any advice?

Listen

7 Months

Millie and I have been talking about our plans for the next 7 months.  Below are our general plans/ideas.  What do you think?

July

• Maude- Job applications, current job, and save money; research moving; buy trip tickets
• Millie- Work current job and save money

August

• Millie- Start university and move to on-campus housing
• Maude- Start full-time job and maybe take a few classes; research moving

September

• Maude's trip to visit Millie!
• Continue to save money and research moving, jobs, housing, schools

October

• Millie- Continue university
• Maude- Work, school, moving plans

November

• Maude's birthday!
• Millie- Continue university
• Maude- Moving plans, 

December

• Christmas! (aka our former anniversary)
• 6 months of our new relationship!
• Spend time with our families
• Pack before moving

January

• Move!

Promised Update!

So, I promised I would update you all on the events of late.  Drumroll, please.  I contacted Millie again.  I couldn't take the heartache any longer.  She was in my thoughts several times each day and my dreams a few times a week, so I decided to send her a text.

Since I had nothing to lose, I laid everything on the line: my feelings, thoughts, dreams, regret, heartache.  Either she would tell me never to contact her again, we would talk and cut it off, talk and be friends, or talk and it would go somewhere.

She and I have matured rather much since our break-up 9 months ago.  We talked about everything that happened during the time apart, even the topics that were painful.  Though I hated to do so, I told her about absolutely everything that happened while we were apart.

It turned out she felt the same as I!  What a shocker!  I was still madly in love with her, and she was still madly in love with me.  We decided we wished to start our relationship again and try our hardest this time.  I sincerely want to be with her no matter what happened/happens.  On June 25th, 6 months after our former anniversary, Millie asked me to be her girlfriend, and I, of course, said yes!

It's incredible how easy it was to fall back into the comfortable familiar state we were in before.  I feel right at home with her, even more than I do at my actual home.  Unfortunately, we are currently long distance as we live on opposing sides of the country.  I'm planning to visit her in September.  This trip will be a major deciding factor in our relationship.  While I'm there, I will explore housing options and job opportunities and decide if I can imagine myself living there long-term.  I currently believe I will be confident with the move.  If I can, I will move as soon as I have my goal amount in savings and have a job and housing secured.  After Millie finishes her spring term of courses, she will move in with me.  It will be much easier financially at that time because we will split expenses.

Nothing about this relationship will be easy, but it is totally worth all the troubles.  I love her with all my being and will do whatever it takes.  Knowing what it is like without her in my life fuels my dedication towards our relationship even further.

Millie-  I'm so incredibly thankful to have you in my life once again and am very proud to be your girlfriend.  Though times will be tough (as they already have), I will always love you, and you have my full support.  We will fight the opposition and succeed in the end.  I have hope in us!  The good times we have together make the struggle and hard times worth it.

Forever and always,
Maude

Finally Better!

Update:

2 weeks ago, I had a follow-up with my doctor.  The PID wasn't from the Mirena, so it's still in.  According to the doc, it's doing it's job, and the PID was from a bacterial infection which took another pound of antibiotics to kill.  Thankfully, I'm now feeling a lot better in those regards.

A lot has been going on lately, and I promise to update you on all the happenings very soon!  It's all rather exciting and is bringing a lot of positive change to my life!  I'm so excited to share the amazing news with you all, and I promise it'll be soon!

Love always,
Maude

Graduation

Luna is graduating tomorrow.  I'm so proud of her!  It's definitely going to be a tough day for her though.  So many emotions come with such a major change and huge event.  It's so hard to believe it's been a year since my graduation.  I don't care to think back to that time.  So much has changed since then.  Luna is leaving for a fun trip after it's over.  Hopefully, that'll help take her mind off of things.  I got her a little something as a graduation gift.  I hope she likes it.

Wishing her all the best,
Maude

And the surprise was...

I got a major haircut!

The other night, I caught a whim of "Hey! I want short hair!", so I grabbed the scissors and viola!

What do you think?

Instagram!

Hello everyone!

I'm now on Instagram @Maude_St.Vincent. There, I post a little of everything!

Hope you enjoy!
Maude

Sick & Cleaning

Working on a good amount of cleaning this evening.  Still not feeling up to par by any means, but I'm trying to push through and be productive.

I was in the emergency room yesterday for 5 hours.  Went in thinking it was my appendix because of the area of pain, but it turned out to be something way different.  Because of my IUD, Mirena, I got a lovely case of pelvic inflammatory disease.  Thursday, I have a follow-up appointment with my gynecologist to have the Mirena removed.  I hope the PID didn't cause any damage.  If it has, I'll go from there, but I'm not worrying now.  No since in it because I don't know anything just yet.  To cure the PID, I received 2 massive doses of antibiotics.  My arm still hurts right much from the shot and IV.

Thankfully, Shadow, Soxy, and Annabelle, my indoor furry pals, can all tell I don't feel well and have been giving my loads of love and attention today.  My family, on the other hand, hasn't been of much assistance.  Even after I got home from the ER last night, I was responsible for fixing food, drinks, and anything else I needed.  Mom was still mad I hadn't shaved yet and begged me to do so, so I did.  Can't have her nagging on me anymore over such a trivial thing as shaving.  Currently, I'm feeling rotten, but the pain medicine the doctor gave me is helping some.

Well, I reckon I'm going to head back to cleaning and continue Thelma and Louise.

Love always,
Maude

Viewer 500

Reminder:  The 500th view wins a prize!

If this is you, please take a screenshot and e-mail it to me at maude_st.vincent@yahoo.com along with a picture of you and a brief message!

4 views away!

After submitted, I will contact the winner via e-mail with further.

Best wishes,
Maude

What To Do

Hmm.  What to do; what to do.

I'm having reoccurring thoughts and dreams.  No matter how hard I try to make them stop, they weasel their way right back into my life.

I don't know how to make it end, nor if I want them to stop.

But wait.

Stop.

The thoughts and dreams must end!  They're ruining my views, wishes, desires, everything!

Hmm.  What to do; what to do.

Blog Reader #500!

If you come to this page and see in the page counter box that you are blog visitor 500, please take a screenshot of the page (including the 500 on the page counter), take a picture of yourself, write a short message, and e-mail it all to me at maude_st.vincent@yahoo.com  You will be rewarded!

Much love,
Maude

Blogging

My lovely readers,

I'm sorry I haven't blogged regularly or often, as of late.  I promise to you I shall blog more often.  You are highly appreciated!  If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or anything, my e-mail is maude_st.vincent@yahoo.com, or you can message using the contact box on the lower right-hand side.

Love always,

Maude

Sleep

For some reason lately, sleep has been in either excess or lacking. It is currently 5:25 am here, and I'm still awake.  What gets me is that I'm not even tired!  If I take my sleep medicine, however, I sleep 15-18 hours!  I think I shall bring this up with my doctor Wednesday.  Something is definitely not right, and it needs to be fixed soon.

In other news, a new YouTube video will be posted on Saturday!

Best regards,
Maude

Surprise!

I told Luna I had a surprise for her when we hangout Saturday.  Between changing my appearance and changing something in my living quarters, she guesses it's a change in my appearance, specifically a new piercing or tattoo.  Will she be right?  We'll find out Saturday!

Until then,
Maude

50 views until 500!

My amazing readers,

If you see the blog views reads 500, please either message me through the blog or send an e-mail including a screenshot of the page view counter, and you may win a special prize!  

Hope to hear from you soon,

Maude

Road Trip!

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend, Jesse.  She and I have decided to save up, and, in a year or so, we will embark in an amazing road trip across America and possibly into Canada, too!  I'm so excited!  We will probably leave after I return from my first year or so of being an au pair.


Currently, I'm researching the prices of having a Class C RV or driving and paying for hotel rooms and eating out along the way.  As I find more information, I shall post it here.  We have looked up basics, and, so far, it seems driving and purchasing hotel rooms would be cheaper.  I am kind of hoping I will be able to purchase an RV and go that route.  (Get it?  Route?  Road trip?  I'm incredibly punny when it comes to jokes.)  If we take an RV, I can bring my babies with us!  By the way, my two babies are Shadow and Soxy, my amazing cats whom I love dearly.  I would hate to leave them with my parents again as my family will care for them while I am in another country for a year or so being an au pair.
In research, I am pricing hotel rooms to get a general idea of their prices, looking into travel rewards credit cards, planning the route, looking into things to do while we are in each city, and generally planning everything.  She and I need to save up around $3,000 each (so far) in order to embark on are incredible adventure!
I shall update you again soon.
As excitement ensues,




Maude

1-Year Project

2 months ago, I challenged myself to go a year without shaving, meaning shaving absolutely nothing for 12 months.  As afore mentioned, I'm 2 months into my challenge.  Today, my mom finally noticed I haven't shaven my armpits or legs.  She said if I don't shave very soon, she would use her shaving/hair-plucker machine thing.  I don't know what it's called, but it's very painful.  My dad agrees her.  Why much society be so against women not shaving?  It is totally fine for a men, but for a woman not to shave?  Oh, that's just so gosh-darn terrible!  My dear readers, what should I do?  Should I give in to the looming threats of my parents or stand my ground against them?  All advice is accepted.

Many thanks,
Maude

Another New Beginning

A few hours ago, my parents and I had a much needed heart-to-heart conversation.  I was finally able to open up to my mom about some problems that have been bothering me, and she did the same in return.  It's definitely a start.

She really voiced her concerns of my overall well-being and addressed many things that I needed to hear.  It was very tough to hear, but it's the truth:  I need to focus on getting my life together and prove my capabilities before embarking on the next journey to come.  Tomorrow is a new day in many more ways than one.  Starting now, I'm striving to be the best possible Maude St. Vincent I can be!  You can call me Captain St. Vincent because from now on, I'm running a tight ship around here.

Pulling in the anchors so I can cast the sails,
Maude

Au Pair

Recently, I've began researching into becoming an au pair, a live-in nanny in another country.  Though it's very tough convincing my parents to let me go because of my iffy health, I'm working hard to win them other.  Through AuPair World, I have been communicating with families in England and Germany in hopes of finding the perfect host family.  If I go, I'll be there for around a year.  I've already arranged for Emma to be my cat caregiver while I'm gone.  Though I wish I could, I highly doubt they could come too.  As this dream progresses, I shall update you here.

Love always,
Maude

Girls' Day Out!

Today, Jesse, Emma, Luna, and I had a girls' day out.  It was fantastic!  We went to a few shops, wandered through the mall, and enjoyed an early dinner at a Mongolian grill.  Yum!

I love going places with friends and enjoying each other's company.  It's scary to think how the world would be without such companions.

Luna even invited me to her graduation!  So exciting!  I'm so proud of her making it to this point, even if I haven't known her for too long.  Reaching graduation is an accomplishment and should be celebrated accordingly!

What a fabulous day it has been!

For now,
Maude

New Beginnings Bonfire & Feelings

If I may say so myself, the bonfire was a great success!  It was tough viewing Luna as a friend once more, but maybe it's for the best.  I picked her up around 5 pm, and Jesse and her boyfriend, Blake, got there around 7:30 pm.  Shortly thereafter, the fun began!

It took a little while to get the fire going, but we figured it out!  We roasted hotdogs, burgers, and marshmallows!  I've definitely needed this for a long while now.  Luna, Emma, and I had fun dancing barefoot in the clover, although I stepped in dog turd twice and Luna once.  Gross!

Towards the end of the evening, we help an endings and beginnings ritual.  It went amazingly well!  Several signs came about, and my emotions finally broke through- I had to excuse myself to ball me eyes out.  I've needed that release for who knows how long now.  I definitely feel different, which should, knock on wood, be a good sign.  Luna came and held me while I cried.  That was so sweet of her!  I definitely needed the comfort.

Sometimes, I feel so alone and outcast, but I try not to let that show through.  A strong facade I strive greatly to uphold.  It's bad, but people would worry greatly if they knew what was truly going on, especially with my mental health.  My depression has gotten a lot better thanks to Prozac, but I still struggle with the anxiety and such.  It can be difficult to decipher if the voices, sounds, and visuals are spiritual or otherwise.  My psychiatrist thinks I'm schizophrenic, but others would say I'm spiritually gifted.  Is it one, the other, or even some of both?  I don't know.  I do, however, know I won't be mentioning this to my therapist or psychiatrist.

I have no clue how I feel right now.  Everything just feels as though it's happening, and I'm here.  It's hard to explain other than I feel as though I'm floating through life, but the pain, mental, physical, and emotional, remains.  Where to go?  What to do?  I have no clue.  I feel lost, empty, and many ways I shouldn't yet also lightly comforted.  Any advice?

Friday

Friday, Jesse, her boyfriend, and Luna are coming over for a bonfire.  It's so we can all hangout.  I just read Luna's post from last night about our conversation.  Now, I definitely have strong vibes that she rather be friends than girlfriends.  She isn't happy in the relationship and wants to do things but can't because she's with me.  I want her to be happy.  If she's happiest without me as her girlfriend, I can deal.  As I've said, I want to be with her; I truly do.  She just doesn't feel the same.  I've felt things have been off since I asked her out.  I think I asked her too early.  I got excited and jumped the gun.  I'm not too good with these things.  Maybe, I'll be better one day.

For now,
Maude

Our Relationship

Luna and I have been dating for almost 2 months now.  I've noticed for a while now that we don't seem to be on the same page.

An excerpt from her blog:

pros:

• she is a relaxing energy
• she is a positive energy
• she is spiritually similar
• she is hippie-ish (more so than me)
• she is a good cuddler

cons:

• no chemistry - its like i'm dating a friend
• maybe a little too hippie? (granted… i admire her determination and dedication to her 1 year plan… i'll support her choices… but still.)
• its like we are a bit too similar…theres no spark for me. 
• i think the relationship started before i was ready for it to. thats why there was no honey moon phase… and it is the honey moon phase that tends to fuel the relationship… gives it a strong start. 
• i feel like a jerk because i'm not really invested in the relationship. 

She says it's up to me whether we stay together or break up.  I don't know what to do.  She doesn't seem as happy as she did before.  Sometimes, things seem great!  We kiss and cuddle and enjoy each other's company.  Other times, I can tell something is off.  I fear we may break-up and have been getting these vibes for a while now.  I really like Luna, but she doesn't seem to be on the same level.  It would be great if we could stay together, but Luna doesn't seem happy. As someone use to tell me, it takes two for a relationship.  Right now, it isn't two-sided.  I want whatever is best for both of us.  Since Luna doesn't feel chemistry, it may be best if we break-up.  I truly want to hope the honeymoon phase will hit because I like being with her, but I don't think she will be happy until then.  Plus, she has doubts.  A seed grows into a plant.  It's up to her.  If she'll be happy with me as a girlfriend, we can try to get things on the right track.  If she doesn't think it'll work, we can break it off.  Luna-  How will you be happiest?

Love always,
Maude

Hippie

If anyone is in need of a hippie friend, I'm here!

My "Hippie" Attributes

• Not shaving for at least a year (It's been a month or so already)
• Dreads
• Gardening
• Vegetables
• Fruits
• Herbs
• Flowers
• Meditation at leave once a day
• Making my own clothes
• Very spiritual
• Down to earth
• Peace-loving
• I play a djembe drum
• Super mellow, chill, and laid-back

Namaste!

Cleansing

Time to do a cleansing!

I'm tired of this negativity bringing me down!  I've got everything ready to do a nice cleansing.  I'm so excited!  My aura and home are in desperate need of a refresher.  Plus, I'm hosting a bonfire Friday to help celebrate new beginnings and the enjoyment of life!

Best wishes,
Maude

Tough Times

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

Today, I came to realize things have been rather difficult lately.  At least I realized it now.

Sunday, I got a new phone because our 2 year contract was up.  I went from an iPhone 4 to an iPhone 5S.  Because of the Apple iOS, the new phone downloaded the contents from my last phone back-up. Because I hate deleting photos, my iCloud data has been at its maximum since, apparently, July of 2012.  The new phone downloaded all the photos from that time and brought back painful memories I've been trying to work past.  It hurts terribly, and I'm clueless as what to do.  Any suggestions?  I'm going through and deleting the old photos and voicemails and looking into cleansing rituals.  Why must my body bottle up the emotions?  I'm so hard to let them run and be free.  The pressure can't build up once more.

Any words of support or advice are much appreciated.

Thanks,
Maude

Vent about Emma

Emma is my 11 year old sister.  I love her so very much, but sometimes, she makes me want to pull me hair out!  Now is one of those moments.  She's at the age where she, for whatever reason, hates to shower.  When she comes home after a day of play and such at school, her feel smell horrendous!  She's absolutely refusing to bathe.  Why?  It's so gosh darn frustrating!  If she would bathe, the smell would go away, but she refuses.

Time for some incense and meditation!

Education & Following My Dreams

When growing up, my parents told me, as most parents do, "You can be whatever you want!" and encouraged me to dream big.  I'm 19 years old now, and their viewpoint has changed tremendously.  Now, they're highly critical of what I study and the career I wish to engage in my future years.

I began my university studies with computer science.  With a B. S. in Computer Science, I wanted to go into software design or software engineering.  Within the first semester, my minor went from IT to women's studies.  The second semester rolled around, and I was lost from my previous computer programming course.  I decided to retake it alongside the next course: discrete mathematics.  The latter class was a confusing course of p's and q's.  I hated it!  What was I studying?  Was this what I really wanted to do for the next 30 to 50 years?  I think not.

The German course I was taking in the spring was fascinating, and I throughly enjoyed studying the language and culture.  I then changed my course of study to German in hopes of becoming...I don't know.  Maybe an English professor in Germany, Austria, or Switzerland?  Ehh, it was a possibility.

Halfway through the semester, I went on medical leave and moved back in with my parents at home.  Where am I now?  I'm not sure.  I'm questioning what future career I wish to have along with my course of study that would best suit the career and vice versa.  Do I return to the university in the fall?  Maybe enroll in online classes because of my questionable health?  Forget college altogether and study on my own?  Those are the questions I'm currently facing.

What I know:

• I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom
• I want to have biological children and adopt/foster
• I want to travel the country and globe

What I don't know:

• How will I fund my dreams?
• What is my next step?
• How can I make those dreams a reality?

In today's society, education is important, but the value of a college diploma is declining as recent graduates are seeking the same jobs as the general public because of either a lack of jobs, poor economy, etc.  Plus, graduates and college students have piles of debt from the university.  Is it even worth it?

Recently, I've delved into researching college alternatives or, as some call it, ways to "hack" my education.  I've found many resources for studying a variety of topics for free or a low cost.  These courses wouldn't result in a degree, but what is the point of a degree if I can prove and apply my knowledge?  I don't think I'm heading towards a typical career, so a typical degree may not be necessary.  I think I may save up, purchase a camper/RV, and travel around the nation working odd jobs and writing until I settle down and start a family.  I believe that route would provide the most adventure, satisfaction, happiness, and a plethora of stories to share thereafter.

Since devising that plan, I feel more secure about my future and happiness.  I don't know if my family will support my dreams or not, but, when it comes down to it, that doesn't matter but so much.  I've been told I'll regret more the choices I did not take more than the ones I do.  Also, the more I believe in my choices and dreams, the less I need others to believe in them.  Both statements of advice are fueling me.  How will it all play out?  Stay tuned!

Cheers to the many adventures ahead!

Maude

Readers

To my amazing readers,

Thank you so much for being a part of my life and reading my blog!  If there's anything you would like for me to write about or anything you'd like to know, feel free to e-mail me at maude_st.vincent@yahoo.com.

Love always,
Maude

A Plan

I finally have a general idea what I want to do with my life!  I want to purchase a camper/RV and travel around the nation after college.  What will fund this?  I'm working out those details currently.  I want to get out into the world and enjoy life!  That's what I'm going to do!  Other people can do it, so why can't I?

Luna

Luna and I have been dating for a month and a half now.  I love spending time with her when we can, but those times aren't too often because of work, school, and family activities.  That's really tough.  I don't  know what it is, but when I'm with her, I'm happy.  I'm wondering where she stands as far as we are concerned because we don't talk much, at no fault of our own.  She's seemed rather distant lately because of stress from college planning, family, senior things, and everything else that is going on in her life.  I wish I could help.  It hurts seeing her hurt.  I just want to help and make it all better, but I know I can't.  We've known one another for going on 3 months, so we aren't able to read one another yet.  I hate how my depression and anxiety cause me to overthink things.  That's really hurting me.  It's another 3 weeks until I see my therapist.  Jesse is my best friend from high school.  She and I are hanging out Tuesday and going to the beach to get away from it all for a bit and catch up.  Maybe, I can talk to her about all my thoughts, and she can help me figure them out.  I don't feel like separating out my paragraphs tonight.  Friday, Luna invited me to go with her to her twin's softball game.  It was a lot of fun!  I feel as though before the game went rather well-  her younger sister and I talked for a bit and got along very well!  I hope her family likes me.  I know my family adores her!  Everyone here always loves when she comes to visit, especially Emma and Bud.  Luna and I cuddled all last night.  It was so perfect!!  After we woke up this morning, Emma and Bud climbed into bed with us as we all talked and played with the cats for a while.  As soon as Luna and I parked at her work, I coughed or burped and the powder from a medicine that was stuck in my throat went everywhere!  It really burned my throat and airways.  We went inside and got a bottle of water.  It helped some, but the pain is still horrid.  I was so sad to leave her, but I know I had to go.  Why do I get so attached?  It's not that I'm clingy; I just want to spend time with her and get to know her better.  Is anything wrong with that?  I've been kind of reserved with the thoughts that I vocalize because of the fear that I'll push her away.  This always happens:  I overthink things and doubts about myself grow.  I don't know what to do about that.  It's so hard always putting myself down as I do.  My mind and body work against me so much.  Will I ever win? I just want to be happy and enjoy life.  Is that too much to ask?

Quick Rant/Thoughts

Good evening!

Well, it's midnight but whatever.

I just had a few thoughts to throw down real quick.

Oh my gosh.  I'm so tired of being sick!!  I'm in killer pain right now thanks to the fibromyalgia and scoliosis and can't enjoy my night with Luna because of it!  I wish this pain would ease at least a little.  Even with my TENS unit (external nerve stimulator), pain meds, and a heat patch, it's still at a level 9!!  I hate my body sometimes because of all my health problems.  The last time she was here, my digestive issues were kicking up, and this time, it's the pain!  Can I please get a break?  I'm seeing the pain management clinic, using the TENS unit, taking my medicine, and doing physical therapy three times a week.  It eases a little but then BOOM!  Surprise!  It's back as if I were hit with a train in my back.  Maybe the orthotics/prosthetics will help after I get the custom shoe insert to even out the lengths of my legs.  I hate how much the pain keeps worsening.  Sometimes, I want to kill myself to escape the pain, but I won't.  I have way too much ahead of me to cut my life short.  I just want to feel better.  Fibromyalgia, asthma, scoliosis, bile reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, depression, and anxiety love to reek their havoc with me whenever they possibly can.  Will I even be able to get a break?  I want to be able to enjoy my life and the time I have with Luna.  She's my amazing girlfriend and I want be able to enjoy the time I spend with her.  Is that too much to ask?  I enjoy my time with her but would be able to do so even more if my health would mellow out for a bit.  She's asleep next to me at the moment.  I wanted to vent that real quick.  Time for cuddles!

Sweet dreams,
Maude

Starting a family!

Great news, everyone!  I've started my family!  But, it isn't in the way you're probably thinking.  I adopted 2 cats from Luna!  At home, Soxy, Shadow, and I are becoming acquainted, and it sure is an adventure!

Whenever I was visiting Luna last Monday, she jokingly asked if I'd like a free cat!  I figured she was talking about Shadow since she had told me before of how they were seeking a home for him.  I went over and began petting him and fell in love!  Shadow is a black kitten a little under a year old with brilliant green eyes.  He came right over to me, but we didn't really start bonding until later.  Once inside, Luna also introduced me to Soxy, a 10 to 12 year old female who is black on the top and white on the bottom.  At first, Soxy didn't like myself or Emma at all.  I told Luna I'd ask my parents about the cats once I was home, and that I did!  It took some convincing, but they finally agreed to let me adopt both of them.  Thursday, I picked them up and took them home.

On the drive home, Soxy was in a carrier in the front passenger foot of the car, and Shadow was lying on a pet bed on the seat.  It was quite an interesting drive, especially since Shadow had never been for a ride before.  Poor Soxy was meowing in a pleading manner for the entire drive.  Shadow, on the other hand, was purring contently as I stroked his back until he fell asleep.

At home, I carried both of them inside.  Soxy darted into the closest hiding place she could find while her new brother began his adventure of exploring his new place.  He warmed up to Emma, Bud, and my dad rather quickly.  For our first night together, Soxy slept in hiding and Shadow slept on his pet bed near her.

More of our story coming soon.

Visiting

I'm visiting the LGBT Resource Office on campus today. Quick thought: It's easy to tell who likes me here and who doesn't. It doesn't phase me, but some people are totally ignoring me. Others, however, are giving loads of hugs and are excited to see me again. I'm so excited to see some of them again! It's been almost a month since I left. I'll check in later!

Topics of tomorrow's posts

• Tornados
• New book
• Cats
• Family
• Music
• Projects

To My Lovely Dearest Luna

Happy 1 Month babe!!

It's hard to believe it's been one month already, but I hope to spend many more with you!  You bring sunshine, smiles, laughter, and good vibes to my life.  I'm so excited to see you again Thursday!  I know it's tough to find time during which we both are free, but I'm glad we find time anyway and take advantage of each opportunity we can.  I know ECU wasn't your first choice, but I'm glad we'll be able to spend time together on campus and attend events together!  I don't know if you know this or not, but when I was dropping you off a few weekends ago, I heard you saw "Love ya!", and for the rest of the drive back home, I was blushing and filled with excitement and joy.  It may have slipped out, or you may have meant it.  Either way, I love ya, too!  In other news, I'm starting my BoS today!  I promise I'll write more again soon.

Much love,
Your Maude

Reply to Luna

Hello, everyone!

I was released from the hospital on Sunday after having been admitted for 6 days.  It feels so amazing to be out and able to be in nature once more!  Now that I'm out, I'll be able to blog more.  Finally!

Today, I went to my favorite store with my sister and bought 3 crystals and two books on Wicca, Paganism, and witchcraft.  I'm so excited to break them open tomorrow and further my studies!  We also bought more craft supplies, mainly ones for practicing magick.

On a side note, my throat has been hurting terrible today.  It's probably from sinus drainage, but it feels as it did when I was having tonsil problems.  One problem with that:  my tonsils were removed in December 2013!  It's rather odd.

Once again, I've begun a new book.  This one is a fictionalized story of my experiences in the most recent stay in the psychiatric ward.  Yes, I was in the psych ward.  I've been twice now.  That stay was for depression and psychosis as my anti-psychotic medicine was having many adverse side effects including suicidal thoughts, worsening visual and auditory hallucinations, and nightmares every night during which I would die.  It was all so dreadful!  Anyways, I'm mostly better now.

Emma and I visited Luna today.  She, Luna, is giving me two cats!!  I'm so excited!  The two cats are Shadow, an all black outsider who looks identical to my current cat, Kitty, and Socks, an insider who is black and white.  I'm so excited to welcome them into my family!  A it turns out, I'm turning into the crazy cat lady and enjoying every second of it!  I love spending time with animals.

Well, it's currently 1:21 am, and I'm heading off to slumberland.

Blesses be,
Maude St. Vincent

Venting

I'm not feeling well this evening.  I just got my bed pulled out (it's a couch with a pull-out bed), and I'm lying here with my pooch, Loaf.  Loaf is a dachshund/beagle mix who is 5 years old and loves to have his rump scratched.  He finally calmed down enough to lie down next to me.  The poor darling was so excited to come inside that he was running everywhere, hopping on and off of the couch, and kept giving me kisses.  He wanted rubs and kisses so much that he was climbing on me and accidentally tore my naval piercing!  I've doctored it, and it'll heal soon.

Here at home, I've assumed the mother roll (yet again) for my sister and brother.  Today, I've done laundry, dishes, made dinner, baked and decorated Bud's birthday cake, made them get baths, and have taken care of them since I picked them up from school.  It took 4 and a half hours to mix, bake, and decorate his cake, and he didn't even like it!  "It's too sweet," he said.  That little rascal! Of course it's going to be sweet, silly!  It's a homemade cake with homemade frosting and even hand-decorated!  Maybe he'll at least appreciate it when he's older.

I don't mind helping take care of Emma and Bud, but I'm there older sister for crying out loud!  I'm not there mother!  I'm on medical leave from school right now so I can rest and get better.  How am I to do that when I have to help keep the house running?  Dad has been stressed and in a foul mood lately.  Stress from everything has been building up, and he's having to adapt to a major change:  our credit card debt is paid off.  Yes, I know that sounds like a positive thing of relief, but, in actually, it's also a cause of stress as well.  The large payments are gone, but there are always sources of economic stress and struggle, especially since I've moved back home.

Earlier today, Dad told me he's glad I'm home.  That was nice to here.  It's comforting to know I'm appreciated and wanted, but I don't always feel that way.  At home, I do a lot to help keep everything running, which often goes unnoticed.  Sometimes, I still feel as though I shouldn't be here at home.

There is a lot more I want to say, but I just started a new medicine and am not feeling well.  I've been faint, dizzy, and am feeling very weird in my head and everywhere else.  I don't even know what I'm saying right now, so I'm heading to bed.

Sweetest dreams,
Maude

On The Road

Today through Sunday, I'm going to visit my aunt and uncle, Dani and Sam, with my grandparents. I last saw Sam in October and Dani in July. For on the road, I brought a book, The Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, and the scarf I'm crocheting. 

I love road trips. We'll be on the road for 2 to 2 and a half hours today. It's been a while since I've been on a nice drive. I'm hoping to drive through Virginia and maybe a few other places this summer. Taking trips and traveling are always nice. Being able to get away for a little while is something I greatly enjoy. It's tough to get away often because gas is so expensive. 

On our way out of town, we drove by the turn off for Luna's. I really miss her. Right now, we spend time together on the weekends, but she's starting her new job this weekend and only works weekends. That'll make it tough, but we'll make it work. We aren't able to talk often, but she and I make the most out of what we have. That's what life is about:  making the most out of what you have and enjoying today since there isn't promise of tomorrow.

Since converting religions/beliefs, I've been much happier and feeling more connected with everything. I don't know if the things I see are spirits or figments of my mind. Same goes for the voices. My psychiatrist put me on another anti psychotic and said it's either psychosis brought on by the depression or schizophrenia since they've been here for a while and have happened before. We're going to keep an eye on it all. He also wants to do a brain scan if they continue. Having so many health problems makes me scared to have kids because of my genetics. 

Well, I think I'm going I get back to my reading, and I'll check in later!

Much love,

Maude

Disappointment

As the rest of my family learns of my medical withdraw, I feel like such a disappointment and failure. I hate being sick. I'd hate to know what they'll think when they find out about my religion. At this point, I already feel like I have to try harder because I'm not straight and my birth kept my parents from their dreams. The guilt of my birth is something I shouldn't have, and my parents told me they wouldn't change anything and never regretted having me, but it's still here. I feel as though I have to succeed and do my very best because I'm going to college for them and myself. I don't want to fail them, even though they said I can't. 

Religion

So recently, I've been pondering religion and where I stand.  I was raised in a Christian church, Methodist to be exact.  I've had a lot of problems with the Christian church, especially with the hypocrisy.  I've looked into various religions and am most drawn to paganism.  My family will have many problems with this, but religion is a personal thing.  I don't plan on telling them because it would cause such a conflict.  I'm within another closet, but everyone is in a closet of some sort.  I don't have a problem with that currently because I am at peace, or working towards it, and that's what matters:  inner peace and personal acceptance.  As I look farther into myself and explore my beliefs, I may post about them.  Here's to new beginnings and a fresh outlook!

Book making

For today's first project, I'm going to make a book.

I love books and crafts, so I'm going to make my own book!  By this, I mean I'm going to sew together the pages to make a journal.  I've done this before, and it's a lot of fun!  I will sell some of them on Etsy.

If you're interested in viewing or purchasing any of my makings, my Etsy store will be opening soon. Once it is open, I will post a link.

Love always,
Maude

Pinterest!

Hello all!

I'm on Pinterest! Here's a link:  http://pinterest.com/worldinmyhands

Evening Update

Hello there, dear friend!

I'm on a date with Luna currently.  She is staying tonight with me at home.  I love having her here!  She and I are both blogging.  We had a time in which we communicated with our spirits for a while, so I figured we needed some time to reflect, absorb, and release.

I've been meaning to blog again for a while. So much has been going on!  I've moved back home.  here, we converted out sunroom into my bedroom.  I love it out here!

Hmm.  I'm not sure where I left off.

I'm currently on medical leave from college, although it hasn't yet been approved officially.  The committee will be meeting about my case soon, probably this week.

I met with a psychiatrist on campus.  He diagnosed me with reoccurring depressive psychosis.  I was e-mailed a copy of his doctoral report because the committee who is reviewing my medical withdraw case requested it as medical documentation.  I read through it and agree with what he said.  It was interesting to read things from his point of view.  He started me on Prozac, an antidepressant, and Geodon, an antipsychotic.  As it turns out, I'm allergic to the Geodon.  I have since stopped it.  The Prozac, however, it helping a lot.

For my fibromyalgia, I met with a doctor at the pain management clinic in town.  Finally, I've found doctors who are willing to help with the pain!  They added Lyrica, aquatic therapy, and an external neurostimulator.  The neurostimulator is a device that I'll attach to my back which will confuse the nerves and feels like a massage chair.  I sure hope it all helps!

I don't know what it is about her but Luna helps bring out my creative side, writing in particular.  She has helped me so much, but she doesn't know this.  I'm trying to enjoy as much time with her as I can since I may soon be losing her.  A few years ago, she learned she may die of a car accident during or shortly after her senior year of high school.  I'd hate to lose her, but, if that's what's meant to be, I can't alter her path.  I've asked the spirits a few questions on the topic, but I do not wish to disclose those questions or answers here.  They're too painful at this current time.  Tears are welling in my eyes as I write this.  I really don't want to lose her.  If what the spirits say is true, I'm getting mixed signals.  I do not understand how one thing can be yet another is in occurrence as well.  It's very confusing.  I really don't want to lose her as I've had much lose thus far.  Losing someone hurts so terribly much!  She and I began talking a month and a half ago, but I feel so close to her.  I can't explain it!  I just feel connected.  I wonder if she feels the same or similarly.

Luna is lying next to me in bed right now and is drifting asleep.  She refuses to let me read her post until I post mine.  I'll add more soon.  I promise!

Love always,
Maude

Update

Hello!

I know it's been forever since I last posted, but I assure you new posts are in their way! I moved back home on Sunday and have since been unpacking and adjusting. I promise to post tomorrow!

Love always,

Maude

Morning thoughts

Good morning!

So many thoughts racing through my head. Can they please slow down or stop? Life feels like a dream. I can barely remember the past few days. I'm barely functioning. I remember why I hated taking meds, but I'm giving my body the time it needs to adapt. 

Feeling lost and alone,

Maude

Writing and Projects

I've been working more on my book lately.  It's so exciting!  I'm hoping to work on a few other projects along the way.  I think it'll help a lot with my recovery.  Having projects helps me have focus and something with which I can see progress immediately.

Project Ideas

• Podcasts
• YouTube channel
• Other books

I'm not sure yet, but as soon as I start something, I'll let you know!

Much love,

Maude

New Posts

Hello, dear friend!

I know it's been a bit since I've posted. I have a few pieces in the works that will serve as updates and explanations. Also under wraps are a few new projects and ideas I've been throwing around. I'll have those posts out soon!

Yours truly,

Maude

The Beginning of Progress

Well, it has begun. Wednesday, I finally talked to someone about my depression.

Recap: Lately, my depression has been spiraling out of control. Around this time last year, I was in the hospital for depression and self-harm. I saw a counselor and psychiatrist regularly after my release. During that time, I was on and off of various medicines for the depression and anxiety. Some of the medicines were used to treat the side effects of the depression and other medicines, such as sleep problems and psychosis. The psychosis consisted of visual and auditory hallucinations, and it began when I was at a very low point. 

I've been off of all mental medications for 6 months now because I wanted to try and see if I could manage the mental issues and such on my own. I can't. 

Though I hate to say it, I've come to accept that I need the help of medications to manage my mental health problems. I hate it because I feel as though I don't have control over my body, but, at the same time, the meds are giving me control. I didn't want to rely on medicines to function, but I'm not. I'm using the medicines as assistance so I may be able to function more normally. 

Because I've been off of medication for so long, the depression has taken advantage of the free reign and has me at its mercy. Not for long, sucker! I'm taking control again!

For a while after the meds stopped, I was decent. I moved to college, began a social life, survived the break-up with Millie, and adjusted to my new life. Things then began to get a little rocky as flashbacks haunted me once more and I struggled with the break-up. I told a few friends about the problems and began to see a therapist in town. After seeing her for a few visits, I quit going because the stubbornness from the depression kicked in. When the stubbornness arises, I don't want to seek help or do anything that will help me. I can't explain it; it just happens.

Anyways, I went for a while teeter tottering on my own until I started my free fall downward. When it begins, I don't notice. I don't know exactly how long I've been falling back down, but it's been for a while now. I thought every so often that things were getting worse, but I would cast the thoughts aside. I'm strong and can make it on my own, right? Wrong. The depression is stemming from a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I need the medication to correct it. 

Since I'm at such a low, the psychosis has returned. Yep! I'm hearing voices and seeing things again. So fun. The visuals range from a warped image of what I see to bugs to shadow people. I've seen ghosts before, and they don't look the same as what I see now. Sometimes, I'm able to understand the voices, but I can't most of the time. When I do, I hear my name being called. It always has a bad tone to it. 

Thursday, I met with the Dean of Students. After a long discussion, we decided my best option right now is to apply for medical withdrawal from the semester. If accepted, I most likely will, I will move back home and return to school in the fall, if I'm ready then. Although I hate to do it, it's my bet option and in my best interest. I submitted my application this morning. 

After meeting with him, I went to the counseling center on campus for a crisis appointment. I talked to a social worker there, and she helped me calm my mind and get everything sorted. I meet with her again tomorrow as a follow up. 

Once I left her office, I headed to student health and met with a doctor about my asthma. I've had several problems each week lately. She added Singilair. It's helping some. 

Friday, I saw a psychiatrist on campus. He started me on Prozac for the depression and geodon for the psychosis. I'm having very weird side effects from both, as worried and expected. I see my counselor and psychiatrist at home in 2 weeks and my digestive doctor the week after to discuss my digestive issues.

Although things have changed a lot over the past few days, they're all for the better. My parents and I have plans for when I move back home, and everyone is supportive. 

I'll try to post again soon. 

All the best,

Maude

Help

I'm falling faster and faster.  The soonest appointment I could get is 3 and a half weeks.  I don't want to be hospitalized again.  I'm missing classes and letting everything go, but I don't care anymore.  Why don't I care anymore?  I'm so scared!  To get help sooner, they'd throw me into the hospital again.  I don't want that, but this is what they call a "crisis" situation.  What do I do?  I'm sitting on my bed right now and about to burst into tears.  The pain is so strong and making things worse.  I'm also very nauseous.  I can't cry because my roommate is in here.  I don't know what to do.  I don't see it getting any better before my appointment.  I'm suppose to be in class right now, but I don't know if my parents know that or not.  If I send mom a txt, she'll call me.  She always gets mad when we talk about my depression.  I can't tell her that I didn't make it to class.  That'll make her even more mad.  I can't just push through.  It isn't that easy!  If it was, I wouldn't be at this point!  I was hoping working out this morning would help, but it made things worse.

I just sent my mom a text asking her what to do.  I dread her call, especially since my roommate is in here.  My heart is racing, and my face is boiling red.

I really don't want to be hospitalized again, but I'll do whatever is best.  Signs that things are every terrible are here and progressing.

I'm really scared and need help.  What do I do?

Downward Spiral

Stress keeps building up, and I don't want to implode.  I need to call and set up many appointments.  There is so much on my plate right now!  Every day, I find myself falling farther and farther down into the pit of despair.  I need help.  The physical pain doesn't help.  The cycle is repeating itself.  I need the light to return.  I'm trying so hard not to give in to the dark desires once more.  It's quite a struggle!  Nevertheless, I'm still trying.  Tomorrow, I am going to reach out for help.

In need of solace,
Maude

A Few Thoughts

I've been having a couple thoughts here and there today, and I reckon I'll share there here with you.

I visited with some folks today.  There are some people I wish I didn't have in my life, but I can't change that.  There is something Charlie really needs to know, but I don't know how to tell him nor do I know if I should.  It's rather embarrassing on his part.  I try to tell him at times, but he won't listen.

Family is very stressful, but I'm glad I have them.

I'm often forgetful.  Brewing a delectable cup of tea at the moment.  I reckon it must be rather strong by now- just the way I like it!  I just checked, and the brew has steeped for quite a bit! Delish!

Although her name is of the moon, Luna brings sunshine to my life.  I hope she and I can spend time together again soon.

Post Procedure

I had my procedure this morning. It went well, but I feel beyond terrible now. I'm cramping and hurting to the high heavens and very nauseous. The pain medicine isn't helping much, and no matter how I lay, it's highly uncomfortable. This could last for days, weeks, months. It'll be 8 to 12 weeks before I'll notice a difference from its effects. I hadn't met the doctor beforehand, but he was super sweet and even cracked a few jokes! Luna was messaging me before it happened. I really truly appreciate her support. It helps more than she knows. I'm so thankful to have her in my life right now. They say good things happen to those who wait. I truly believe that. Well, I'm heading off to sleep. The medicines are making me drowsy.

Much love,

Maude

Flashbacks

I thought I was past this. I hate getting flashbacks. I think I know what the trigger was. Sometimes, even little things can serve as triggers. On top of the antibiotic, anxiety, and bile reflux, the flashbacks are making me sick to my stomach. I wish they would stop. It happened 5 and a half years ago yet feels like yesterday. Thanks to my vivid imagination, I just about relive the memory. Will they ever end? When will I heal? Why does it still hurt so much?

Anticipation

It's 5:22 am. I'm lying in bed wishing sleep would take me away, but it won't. I have too many thoughts on my mind and am anxious about my appointment in 3 hours. I'm having a procedure done. It'll be very painful, and I'll be in pretty bad pain for a few days or weeks, but it should help ease current medical problems. Anyways, I sure hope it'll help. Help is something I greatly need right now.

No. 1 Quality in a Partner

Sometimes, I like to think about what exactly I look for in a companion. Some of the qualities I look for are honesty, compassion, a love of cuddles, passion, romanticism, a drive for adventure, and a desire to travel, but those aren't the top priority. The number 1 aspect I hope to find in a partner is acceptance. I want to be with someone who accepts and loves me as I am. It isn't a lot to ask, but, at the same time, it is. Sometimes, beauty is in the imperfections, and the imperfections sure are plentiful. I'm scared to expose myself: my flaws, secrets, weak spots. I hate feeling naked, exposed, and vulnerable. I want to be with someone with whom I can be naked in the truth yet be comfortable in knowing that I am loved and accepted, even in my rawest of forms or at a low point. 

Goals for My Future

~Have a family (maybe a large one?)

~Travel in Europe

~Travel across America in a RV

~Have at least 1 writing published

~Career: currently unknown

Depression

\What a kicker.  I hate it.  My depression has been worsening again.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with MDD: Major Depressive Disorder.  It's thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I agree.  I think it may partly stem from events from my past as well, but I won't delve into those at this time.  Conversations need to be held first, when the time is right.

I've seen therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, and even been admitted to the hospital once thanks to this demon.  The demon sometimes tries to conquer my mind and, at times, succeeds.  I try to fight back but am not always successful in my plights.  The counseling helped my accept my past.  That doesn't seem to be the problem nowadays.  Nothing in my life is "upsetting" me, nor am I merely sad.

The demon in my head threw me to the bottom of a deep pit years ago.  I try to climb out and sometimes get a ways up but fall right back down.  Most of the time, I am able to catch myself before I hit the bottom.  I've been to rockbottom a few times.  It most certainly is not a pleasant place to be.

There, the darkness extinguishes all light and hope.  An end can be seen, but it is the end to all.  I don't want it all to end.  My story is still beginning!  I have too many things for which to live to die right now.  I'm only 19!

I sometimes fear myself to be mad, but the best of us are.  In my head, I can escape to other worlds.  A very strong imagination  often comes in handy.  It is easy for me to imagine my future and adventures I'd love to have.  This helps give me hope and reasons to hold on and stay strong.

I've been fighting off the darkness the best I can.  It's been worsening again.  I even broke down and let my parents in on some of my present struggles.  That's one reason I know it's bad.  I don't let them in.  I even told my father how I fear I'll be a disappointment to my family and feel as though they all, including myself, have high expectations of me.  He said they just want me to be happy.  After he told me that, I felt worse because I'm not happy.  In some ways, I am.  In others, I am not.  A current state of being is rather complex.

I've been contemplating seeing a psychiatrist again.  I think it has been worsening lately because of the imbalance as I can't control it.  As prior mentioned, nothing has happened lately that has upset me.  I'm considerable stressed about school, but part of that is from my mental state.  Some of the side effects I've had before when in a very dark place are back.  I hate them so very much!  Hatred is a very strong thought/feeling, but I mean it.  I hate what my body and mind are doing to me.  Trying to hold onto reality can sometimes be a struggle.

I fear it will all ruin what I hold near and dear to me, including relationships.  When I get like this, I tend to shut everyone out, push others away, and neglect what is important.  I hate falling asleep, but once asleep, I don't want to get up or out of bed.  Motivation is lacking at times.  For now, I'll grab whatever I can and hold on to in until it falls or a better support comes along.  By this, I'm not referring to people.  Main forms of motivation and hope are events, such as trips.  I'm scared at after reading this, Luna may decide I'm too screwed up.  I don't think she the type of person to think that way, but by exposing these inner thoughts, I'm exposing a raw and vulnerable spot.  This brings about negative thoughts and fears of rejection.  Whatever happens will happen.  I will accept it and move forward.

Light and Darkness

Today, my family and I discussed our plans for a vacation this summer.  It's been years since we've been on a nice vacation thanks to debt and the economy.

This year, it's a different story.

In 4 weeks, we will be debt free as the credit cards will be paid off! Hoorah!  We've had many dark times over the past few years.  That's all about to change.  I remember a week in which we had to scrounge around the house to find change to pay for toilet paper.

Thankfully, I don't think my siblings knew how bad it was.  I think they have some idea though.  Our previous home was almost foreclosed, but we signed the deed over to the bank instead.  We even claimed bankruptcy.  Since then, we've been renting a small place.  It's cramped, and I hate it here, but it's all we can afford right now.  My parents are happy here, and I think my siblings are too.

Emma and Buddy haven't moved as much as I have.  My dorm is the 10th place I've lived.  I'll soon be moving to an apartment.  My own place.  It feels as though I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time, as I have.  I'm ready for freedom.  Living in the dorm has brought about some freedom.  I've babysat and been almost a second mother to Emma and Buddy since I was 13 years old, though I helped care for them since their birth as well.

This summer has been a long time coming.  Although we're still in the planning process, we might be taking the train to Florida and going to Universal Studios and Disney World!!!  I'm so excited!  We've needed some light in our lives for a long time.  I'm hoping having the credit cards (a major burden for several years) paid off will help bring that light.

Another major burden is our medical bills.  Those, however, won't be eliminated for a very long time.  My mom and I have many medical problems.  Partly from my chronic conditions, I get sick rather often.  Depression, fibromyalgia, asthma, and several digestive issues torment me often.  As feared, they are once again damaging me academically.  Some days, I wake up but can't get out of bed because I'm in excruciating pain from my neck down.  Others, I have a severe upset stomach, nausea, or vomiting from the IBS, Celiac, or bile reflux.  When the weather was really cold and windy, I'd walk to class and an asthma attack would literally take my breath away.  I hate being sick, but it could be worse.

Luna

Lately, I've been falling for a lovely lady named Luna. She is 1 year, 1 month, and 1 day my junior, 7 to 8 inches shorter, and 1 year below me academically.  Every day, I find myself falling more and more for her.

A few thoughts:

• I've read the 3 short stories she has posted.  She's a brilliant writer!
• After reading the last story posted, I wonder when I should reveal a secret of mine
• We're going through similar challenges
• Luna is an amazing kisser

She and I have been talking for a month and have spent 5 incredible days together.  I'm hoping that, maybe in the near future, she will be my girlfriend.  Dating and relationships can be such a challenge sometimes, especially with timing.  I definitely don't want to rush anything.  Taking it slow is really nice and, surprisingly, rather enjoyable too!  In today's day and age, it is rather easy to rush in almost everything.  It seems to be that relationships that are quick to begin are quick to end.  

I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I'm attracted to her in a different sort of way.  True, I haven't been attracted to a female lately, and females are a lot different than males, but that isn't it.  I can't pinpoint it.  Talking with her and being in her presence is so easy and fluid.  It hasn't been that way with anyone in a long time.  I don't feel the need to filter or try to hide.  I find myself missing her, but I don't want to come off too strong and scare her away.  That's something I fear.  This could be the beginning of something beautiful, and I fear I may ruin it.

There is a lot I don't yet know about her, but the same is true of her knowledge of me.  I have so many questions.  Does she have questions about me?

Millie Fitzgerald

Brief background on Millie:

• Long distance relationship
• 19 months
• Broke up 6 months ago
• Nasty/ugly break-up

We last talked on the 25th of December 2013, the day that would've been our 2nd anniversary.  Her sister accidentally called me today, so I sent her a text message making sure everything was ok.  It was.  I asked her if she's like to catch up or split ways once more.  She left that decision up to me, and I asked if we could catch up as I often find myself wondering how she is and such.  She was my first love, and I still care for her, although not as I did before.  I think, as my first love, she'll always have a special place in my heart.  Everyday, I find myself thinking of her. I sometimes wonder how life would be if we didn't break up or if we had broken up in a different manner that wasn't as terrible.  To some extent, all break-ups hurt in one way or another if both truly cared for one another.  

Note:  I wished to catch-up with her as a friend, not as a possible companion.  The position of possible companion is currently taken, proudly, by Luna.

We called and talked on the phone for around an hour or so.  She has been doing rather well lately, although not the best; I won't go into specifics on the negatives.  Millie got into the college of the dreams and has a great future planned.  I hope her future is well.  Thought:  I wonder if I'll ever see her again.  I wish her all the best with her future endeavors.  Plans never seem to go as intended, but sometimes that's for the best.  If everything went as planned, nothing would be as it is today.  I hope Millie are on a road towards friendship, as that would be nice.  I hope one day I'll be as close to someone as I was with her or maybe even closer!  It's been a hard but necessary task to move forth from her.  Cheers to new beginnings!

After Our First Date

Luna was sitting with me as I wrote "First Date" and kissed me shortly thereafter!  She's an amazing kisser!  In comparison to mine, she has small lips, but they're so sweet and passionate, just as she.  One might think that for her size she would be submissive, but I think Luna has a dominate side to her.

So far, Luna and I have been talking for a month.  I've thus far greatly enjoyed getting to know her.  It's always interesting starting to get to know one another.  I hope I'm going everything ok!  Since Millie, starting over has been difficult.  She was my first love, and we dated for 19 months.  It's been 6 months since we broke up.  The break-up was very ugly and nasty.  I think my heart is healed or very close to recovery since shattering.  Being alone is one thing which I sometimes hate, although I don't want to rush into a relationship.  I strongly believe relationship that are quick to start are quick to end.  Luna is like opening a new book of the same genre as Millie, although I won't compare them.  I say that because they're both female.  Relationships with males and females tend to be very different.  I do hope Luna and I will be bale to have a relationship beyond friendship and dating, but, like I said, I don't want to rush into anything.

What exactly is "rushing" into a relationship?  How long is long enough?  I'm sure it all boils down to a matter of opinion, but I also believes it depends on the couple as well.  I wonder if Luna and I are on the same page about our feelings towards one another.  When we hung out last weekend, it sure seemed as though we were.  In one of the videos we made, she talked about how much she wanted to kiss me, and I had the same thoughts!  We discussed our thoughts about when we first hung out, and, though it was hard to say because the thoughts being said were so intimate, we each confessed our liking of the other and of how much fun we had together.

First Date

(written yesterday)

Hello again!

Yesterday and today have been absolutely amazing!  Luna and I have been hanging out, and we even went out on our first date!!

Once ready for the day, we went ice skating!  On the ice (and off as well), she was so beautiful! Gliding across the ice, Luna looked so peaceful and graceful!  Trying to skate backwards, she would close her eyes, and the movements she made looked as if she were dancing.  So beautiful!  A few times, we even skated with our hands held!

I'm too bashful to say anything, but I've wanted to kiss her all day!  Being with her is so amazing! Although we've only known each other since February 16th, she makes me so incredibly happy and giddy! Almost every though of her makes me burst into smiles and giggles, blushing, butterflies all through my stomach, and warm fuzzies all around!

Hello!

Welcome!

A friend of mine recently recommended I begin blogging, so here I am!  Although I'm unsure of exactly how I'll use this, I may try a few variations of posts.

Thanks for visiting my blog, and I hope you enjoy!

Maude St. Vincent